i should publish my poem. dye on fabric fades as sunlight shines i am unsure how to take a digital relationship to one that actually is irl, a relationship that entails the most mundane of tasks, but done together. im not sure what sorta living situation audrey wants. idk if she wants to live with just me or me and alma. i think i havent asked because that involves moving forward and a solid future plan is more likely to shatter than the wisps of suggestion. im fine with either. my model of couples is based on what ive seen of roses and lilys relationship, what ive seen of tetras and julias. im not sure why i love audrey. but im not sure why i love lily. or why i loved ve or winter. but i know that even in the pit of despair i think about her hair. about holding her close. i love her smile, her actual physical smile. the one that isnt made for a camera. i love her teeth. i love her chest. i love her legs. i love her hands. i love her lips. i love the way she looks curled up. i love the way she moves. america is a paradise you forget is beautiful, g-d lives in the woods of maryland. i forget the beauty of colorado too often. i mythologize all of my lovers. i dont think i am able to not. i know that, even if me and audrey live together that theres a chance for failure, that i end up moving back to colorado, or that i endup staying in the baltimore dc area but not with her. "i dont think thats going to happen" i can imagine her saying. i think so too, but i am an anxious dog.
once you have gotten use to love you forget it's there, you take it for granted. i remind myself of ve, we shared friends (only digital because at that time it was all we had), but, we didnt communicate, we, had a young foolish love, or maybe we did communicate. but not enough. but. it was doomed from the get go. winter never invited me into her world, we lived in the same town and hungout twice, she let herself rot. i need to make sure i dont rot. theres only fragments of life in writings. in art. nothing complete.
ive become a junkie for audreys love, i need to be use to absence, absence from eachother lets us grow, it might cause drift but i dont think it will, because absence means work, and work means an ability to visit, it means audrey getting an apartment, an entry is a fragment of love. democracy by leonard cohen, what a song. im certainly a fan.
a lovers love, we become use to it unless we remember its overwhelming presence like when i got to hold her hand. the actual active coexistence with a lover means one is there, in the moment, it means you are there fully and your two souls mingle. ive only really felt, that true mingling of souls with audrey. being away from her is as if im missing a part of myself. we remember it when we remember when we didnt have it, audrey is a dissociating forgetful girl and sometimes i get sad she doesnt ask to vc by her own accord but thats alright. she sometimes voices her love without anything prompting it aside from thinking of me. i didnt have that before. i feel good knowing that she reads all my messages even if theres no visible reaction.
im feeling better, im in the sun, i took another pill to fight my depression.
i refuse to rot, im gonna learn about art and get a job i kinda hate but it will be alright.
democracy is coming to the usa and my love is coming to baltimore.
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