xanax and beer

at the show last night and kissed sorrel and im still sad. today i thought about drowning myself. im a weird girl and feel like death. injection today of estrogen.

meant to be posted 9/16/2026.

yom kippur.

today was yom kippur. yesterday i rp'd an absol on f-list and then had two sandwiches before heading to service. i got home and watched house. today i got up and vc'd with the theory server. went to service. talked to L. it was very meaningful. i cried for Ake and how i miss her.

it was good. went on a walk with L inbetween services and how lovely it was. broke fast and had bagels. this wull be a good year. wrote this poem.

i dont want to kill myself.

i stayed at C's dorm. had good. the show last night was good despite seeing Carli there. today went to restaurant and store and C mentioned something that made me sad but a good time. at restaurant we went and had gyros. guy said "what a state of shit weather". hungout with C and then went home. got pacifics. im tired eepy tonight. passing kut.

bender.

it's a life in freefall.

went to well lit. talked. kissed. still empty. fell asleep late. im an evil person. day of nothing. absolute nothing day. depression eating me and nothing gonna survive. maybe.

idk. i miss thorn a lot and idk what to do. i feel too depressed. i do feel like that was The Romance. that i cant really find anything after that. that was the golden timeline.

Chaos Works.

yesterday i went to the dentist and got on nitrous and messaged bob and the things i had done against W sunk in more. i am a mess.

today i wokeup and listened to tarutrit's album. then read the something awful 9/11 forum posts. watched Videodrome and Pi with tarutrit and the woman from croatia. went to rosh hashanah service. i was tired and out of it. today was weird. i wrote a poem and it got five hundred likes.

at least i didnt drink today.

watched a lot of make some noise. thought about just getting into making hurdy gurdys and giving one to thorn. W told me something surprising. they had a hurdy gurdy on MSN. i feel like Johnny Spells. talked to Lindsey. a lot of executive dysfunction. life feels evil and heavy and moving around is hard.

my foot doesnt hurt anymore.

got drunk as fuck tonight and had sex with W in the parking lot of a Chinese Baptist Church. introduced Gwendolyn to W. W's dad came back early. i love interacting and drinking. last night went to Shiv party. today i didnt go to picnic because thorn was there and i miss it dearly. i still do love it but i love everyone i has ever loved. i hope i live forever so i get to love everyone. but i want to be thorns friend before anything else. last night also played dnd and i should write about that. i kissed W tonight and she was adorable. called Rachel-sama and talked to them. many things tonight. talked to Sorrel. my bandaid that covered thorns mark was peeling off. i think my relationship with thorn will eventually improve but i need to be more chill. on friday i had Addison over and it was good to see her..good to cuddle. i went to synagogue but i misread and they didnt have service so i went to Lucky's and talked to clover and aaron and got chicken salad and challah and wine. i said hello to oliver and darian too. thursday i dont remember too much. probably some vc or something. im sad couldnt go to picnic but ultimately good i didnt. i want to treat Robyn well. i want to kiss people. i talked to Sorrel for the first time in months. she's doing good. a girl at Shiv's party was talking about racism and well just read this.

thats my thoughts. 

dnd was fun. got chinese food with Rose today.