7/24/2024.

vc'd with jackknife. catherine didnt want to drink water but eventually did. she ate. audrey cried. i want to hold her. i sat and enjoyed the sun. did a bit of art. didnt read enough.

7/21/2024.

today the sun shined. im traumatized but getting through it. ran into an old friend. read a bit. i love my friends. worked on music. im going to be alright. im a wonderful strange girl and i get to love wonderful strange girls.

nineteen. finished vilém flusser's writings

the tetra life will be a good life. tetra, although she is without true morals, flung into various corners of the earth, and still a small girl, is finding her footing for at least a little while. worried today. but tonight it is ok.

18th. july.

splendid isolation by warren zevon. what a song. what a truth. i stand on high buildings. im still unsure what love is exactly. vilém flusser i quote you.

love is trying to complete a circuit, it's trying to make two people share a mind for a little while. 

seventeenth the july.

people think a blog has to be long. it doesnt. i saw new primary care doc today. i got pastry. i called audrey. i made "music". hanging out with catherine. i need to apply to jobs. im just a doggy. sometimes short is good. it can store a lot of information.

16,

nitrous oxide. nyx texted. ears ringing. meet jackknife. no audrey call. album art. vc with catherine. idk what love is. tried waiting for winter for too long. my memory is pretty good honestly. i want to kiss my wife. if she even is my wife. idk what a wife is. i am tetra. i saw g-d's bones today. dental work does that. brush your teeth audrey. i love hot dogs.too eepy.

7/15/2024. hike today.

i think about art.

7/14/24: georgia o'keeffe accidentally.

on self reflection one must realize that while Man is thrown suddenly and rudely yet joyfully into the world the individual only gains awareness at no one point. one only remembers their birth by being told of it. a child learns how to remember slowly, how to view, these really are one in the same. by view i mean the attitude with which one approaches the world/other, the thing out there, the child teaches themselves this. of course they dont do this alone: they are assisted with other signals, but by virtue of having been born into a world which has the wreckage of the past and in a specific location of this wreckage they must contend with the signals that are nearby to craft their lens. talk of an essential humanness, quality, nature, etc will always fall short by virtue of having out there; past that-which-is another who does not share this base and essential quality. one only has an internal monologue if they have been taught that it is a base and essential quality of humanness. 

for americans, which is also almost all eight billions of us now, have been put into the wreckage of industrial reason atop the poetic glade (the poetic of course rests upon the mechanical reason which rests upon the holy poetic, and so on) to find their footing. one watches tv, one listens to radio (split into podcasts and instant music now), one reads books, etc to find their footing. and through this process everyone becomes a patriarch, a racist, a pedophile. of course this only matters if one acts upon these lenses, or rather is guided by them. 

one could imagine in the future that the signals will be more thoughtfully controlled. as one finds their footing then they would have only “beneficial” signals with which to guide them. this future i imagine would be a rather bland one, for art is one trying to find their footing, thus it references and alludes to other pieces (even rothko referred to other pieces when he used color, knowingly or unknowingly, but of course to say “the nature of art is…” is folly and anything that states “art is” should be read as “some amount of art is”). via this fact all art is built upon wreckage. 

wreckage contains within itself the past, a past of terrors. yet this does not define what is built utop it. art lays like the arles amphitheatre.

today i picked up meds, got some collage materials cut, hungout with robin, and kissed her goodnight after talking about ezra pound. we talked about art. it was cool.

made her this artpiece.

7/14/24. depression days.

i need to pick up more wellbutrin. i think yesterday i had only two pills instead of three. this happened before. dragged myself to the cvs to get them. well. i had to ask my dad to drive me. i called with july yesterday, it was nice. i like my friends. i cut myself while shaving yesterday. the mundanity of it. i feel like im still twenty or nineteen. still unemployed and still in a long distance relationship. i know that statistically this relationship will fail. i know that neither of us want that. i dont really remember how it felt to be twenty. 

i should publish my poem. dye on fabric fades as sunlight shines i am unsure how to take a digital relationship to one that actually is irl, a relationship that entails the most mundane of tasks, but done together. im not sure what sorta living situation audrey wants. idk if she wants to live with just me or me and alma. i think i havent asked because that involves moving forward and a solid future plan is more likely to shatter than the wisps of suggestion. im fine with either. my model of couples is based on what ive seen of roses and lilys relationship, what ive seen of tetras and julias. im not sure why i love audrey. but im not sure why i love lily. or why i loved ve or winter. but i know that even in the pit of despair i think about her hair. about holding her close. i love her smile, her actual physical smile. the one that isnt made for a camera. i love her teeth. i love her chest. i love her legs. i love her hands. i love her lips. i love the way she looks curled up. i love the way she moves. america is a paradise you forget is beautiful, g-d lives in the woods of maryland. i forget the beauty of colorado too often. i mythologize all of my lovers. i dont think i am able to not. i know that, even if me and audrey live together that theres a chance for failure, that i end up moving back to colorado, or that i endup staying in the baltimore dc area but not with her. "i dont think thats going to happen" i can imagine her saying. i think so too, but i am an anxious dog. 

once you have gotten use to love you forget it's there, you take it for granted. i remind myself of ve, we shared friends (only digital because at that time it was all we had), but, we didnt communicate, we, had a young foolish love, or maybe we did communicate. but not enough. but. it was doomed from the get go. winter never invited me into her world, we lived in the same town and hungout twice, she let herself rot. i need to make sure i dont rot. theres only fragments of life in writings. in art. nothing complete. 

ive become a junkie for audreys love, i need to be use to absence, absence from eachother lets us grow, it might cause drift but i dont think it will, because absence means work, and work means an ability to visit, it means audrey getting an apartment, an entry is a fragment of love. democracy by leonard cohen, what a song. im certainly a fan. 

a lovers love, we become use to it unless we remember its overwhelming presence like when i got to hold her hand. the actual active coexistence with a lover means one is there, in the moment, it means you are there fully and your two souls mingle. ive only really felt, that true mingling of souls with audrey. being away from her is as if im missing a part of myself. we remember it when we remember when we didnt have it, audrey is a dissociating forgetful girl and sometimes i get sad she doesnt ask to vc by her own accord but thats alright. she sometimes voices her love without anything prompting it aside from thinking of me. i didnt have that before. i feel good knowing that she reads all my messages even if theres no visible reaction.

im feeling better, im in the sun, i took another pill to fight my depression. 

i refuse to rot, im gonna learn about art and get a job i kinda hate but it will be alright.

democracy is coming to the usa and my love is coming to baltimore.