limbs and company.

gnashing nawing wild things,

eat and eat and eat.

we went down then to denver, the bus rattles, sleak transit bullet. man asks about the camera. take a picture. this is new. i have a box of gear for lily. she is excited to see me. im excited to see her. she is soft and nice. theyre out to get pizza. cat snapshot. surprise. we spend the evening talking about madness and watch f for fake and the lego movie. i awaken. simpsons in the morning. the simpsons is a nexus of cultural points. the simpsons keep on going because in the nineties they became america. homer sing me your myths!.

out into the wastes!, donut shop, swing by, three, the drink is overpriced. one of the cinnamon rolls reminds me of catherine and when me and her got two, eating by eachother. the dunkings coffee too sweet. get on bus. talk about the camera again. "i use to you know...", drag along, go to a chilis drying spot. selling spot. exchange rate and hotness scale. reload camera. get on another bus. wander to thrift store. get in, oh boy a q anon sticker. not anything too interesting camera wise. guinevere rides her horse to the ruined mount. "you can do whatever you want to do to" i whisper. nearly a year ago she blocked me. now here we are as sisters in bed. dog got some photos before that. as she sits in her chariot. stumble out, still high. back to denver. and here i rest with my fair friend catherine. we are going to see a woman be mean in a video game.

liberary of ruining.

it was work time and then hungout with coworkers and got high and i need to writer here more. im sad i live in boulder. everyone should live in real cities. information exchange is an ultimate good. we need more. this is why i support people living a few thousand years.

sickening anxiety.

love is a sickening feeling. im sorry for my bpd-like brain. im sorry for my kodak heart. im trying to remember mitski. i got home late, nearly midnight or just after, i called with catherine. the girl i went to mitski with was odd, nice, methhead and spirit of midwest emo. i am sick of forgetting everything. i think i forgot a past lovers face but im unsure. thats a lie. i cant forget any lovers face. pre historical thought, it overwhelms, like a cave painting. im drained tonight. i think to myself people think im an autistic tranny. i am but still come on. it was delirium. me and finn ride right out of hell, back to boulder we go. impulse is how you get friends and lovers. prehistorical thought is the secret to concerts where you beat your legs to bruises and makes you cling to the bike as you fly through the night. i want a motorcycle to bring me to somewhere else. i dont get these worlds. im sorry to be a f@gg0t. i get friends and lovers and mothers all confused in my head. finn leaves halfway through mitski. i can remember g-d's tears if i really try. i want my audience to gain my memories. my art is about ensuring that shards of me embed themselves into you. capitalism is an attempt at a closed system, it tries to profit off the old while ensuring it can reuse something for forever. but thats not how the world or mind works. 

mitski in concert.

mitski in concert.

i trust you to make me bleed,

washer machine heart fascism,

zoom zip underwater car crash,

midwest emo girl,

cig fag smoke mazda,

cedar encounter trail,

no winter or worm,

jackknife flashbulb photoshoot,

110 mini turret film fight!.

mitski see me bruise;

pounding on my mind like a cave painting,

monsters three, blue ribbons sour drive,

two hundred dollars for a joke,

listen to me fall asleep,

flash rest narcolepsy chemistry.

woodrose windows.

arent you glad you got your stupid death wish f****t?, you said "hey wouldnt it be funny to ruin my relationship by adoring one of your girlfriends closest friends who also is the ex of your girlfriends girlfriend and not on speaking terms?, wouldnt that be silly". but. thats not really what happened. this was a ship made to not last. i adore you for forever audrey. i cannot but help to. i think we knew. at the pretty bitter show. that our fears were right. that despite the love washing over us. that this couldnt last. logistical impossibility. she is america, and like america despite the endless love and delight i feel there is something else there, a boiling sea. i lieks am3rica and am3rica lieks me!!!, :3 but dear goodness. me and america will always have problems. despite the love. beat beat beat hit the drum, film reception. maybe im built to break hearts in complex ways, i had been wishing that whenever this fell that at least it would lodge something in americas heart, a thought that can only be expressed with an outpouring of art. only genius annotations now. this is better. we love and adore eachother and she is one of the few people who i think understands me and who i understand and yet... thats not how it goes. im a woman meant to live alone maybe. unfortunate. is there another tetra like figure out there that can occupy the sides of my vision like a ghost and make food in silence with me?, can we find eachother in dc. mirror twins. i love you. i will always love you. she wanted a musician boyfriend. and. well. i was one for awhile, but the thing is that those types are too insane to really keep. i want to travel across america with america (her) still. three pulses, she forgot, i know she forgets. thats alright. a few nights ago i had a threesome, "i only have sex if it's funny or holy" "what does she mean by that?" "i dont know" america answers with a grin. "yeah buddy, that seems rough, my advice is to never do long distance, like. denver and dc, thats as well another country to me" rachel calytrix says. america sends walton a text, she lets walton onto her account. bite and bite mark. lex walton doesnt know my private (godsbigtits) and what a situation. i let anyone i trust on there. i trust walton. i trust audrey. i trust catherine. i trust many people and i have no one in this world to really ever trust in a way that matters. tetra soho stands out at night, wind sweeps through colorado. i send winter a poem for a tiger. 

me and america called. it was a call like all others. it was natural and nice. we need to plan to ensure we talk, every now and then. if we stayed together too long we wouldve destroyed eachother. setup another savings account if thats something that can be done and put the money for rent and grocery and emergencies in there. get out get out of there, you will always feel like a child in your parents house, at least as long as theyre alive. i fear my fathers death. thank you beverly. i wish i was sch1zo because at least then my insanity would be sensible. beat beat beat, film lighting hits, make dinner quickly. those old boston queens!. what a sight. what a sight. maybe... a broken love is better than a festering wound where every exit is shutdown with a "i love you" that is true but also refuses to see the problem. i adore her to the moon and back but i dont think i could wakeup with white clinical lights and no windows everyday or i would slowly k1ll myself with alcohol and blasting music. so. i lay in an empty bed save for some plushies and me as soft sunlight falls upon my face. 

logistical and communications impossibility. 

i look forward to calling catherine after work, i dont know how to tell her "i would work six days a week if it meant i could fall asleep exhausted in your arms" but i know that isnt something that would workout either. and i know that she doesnt want that.

anyway.

i had a threesome with a trans couple and watched the urusei yatsura bbc dub saturday night. it was fun. cut it short because it was funny. and to watch catherine play class of 09.

then another night i watched alien and aliens with rachel calytrix. we talked about the situation.

and today. i was exhausted. and. then well. i called audrey. and it ended. theres not. really a poetic recording of life here. it's straightforward. it's a new day tomorrow. one where i am a different girl. it ended as best as it could. we knew it was coming. maybe it will happen again sometime. a silent agreement to call eachother certain things. but i dont think it will. but thats alright. i hope we are right. that we remain best friends. that we do most of the things we promised eachother. i love her madly, to the point of annoyance at that fact. "goodnight, ly my friend, <3". 

im on call with beverly. i think im gonna call catherine and exist silently with her soon.

i dont think this is one of those things i will cry about, "turn of the century man in the body of a transgender lesbian commie".

rest easy dreams. rest well.

september fifth. boring work day. have some photos instead.

september 4th. theres just two normal people.

theres just two normal people.

you say that you prefer mirror to mirror when i show a poll by my friend rachel asking what version of twin fantasy is the best one.

it's been four years since i was introduced to csh, it's been four months since i first visited you. it's been a few days since i laast held you babyyy. 

it's been too many days since i held you.

it's been a bit since my sister moved out. it's been too long since i made music. “my musician boyfriend” she says and i smile.

i have never been mad at my lover. i dont think i could be. i have been assigned a lover by the stars. doc holliday stands trail for murder, wyatt earp and his posse round up some fuckers. 

“next time you visit i know you will know how to use that” she says about my camera on the first visited (she is more or less right). i remember her smile in the way people remember angels, floating and blurry and you try to grab onto it and hold it and cant and you cant and you cant.

im afraid, more than anything else maybe, more than cars and sisters, of losing grasp on my audrey. im afraid of her changing in a way where she no longer wants to hold me. i overestimate the ability for people to change.

capitalism fixes people into place, i forget this. people are stuck into a workplace, you establish a persona. the neet is set aside from the world, she has no community save for the fact that she is a wanderer. méribel soho is condemned to be a gyrovague. ive been a neet too long. audrey isnt a neet. so i forget that she doesnt puzzle over my actions probably, i dont think shes got any grand narratives. i really fucking hope i didnt lose my hat. your lover remains a mystery to you for forever maybe. i fascinate her and i care about her. im unsure why i love her the way i do.

im unsure what the future holds. i dont know if ill ever live with audrey, i dont know what i want, i dont know what sort of girl i am, i want to spend countless nights in her bed. i know i need to live on the east coast. i know that denver holds too many bitter bok choy memories.

it's 1882 and the cowboy war is in full swing and baby im cheering for the south to be repressed.

i want to experience those three days with audrey again. sweet beautiful nights. i have been trying to figure out love and i dont think it makes sense. none of it makes sense. i dont think i ever wrote down the events of the first trip.

so ill do it with this trip.

catherine is shorter than i expected. i knew she was shorter than me but it doesnt really register until i got to experience it. she greets me at the baggage claim. i want pizza. we venture into an evil part of town. i lose my viewfinder. it's really good pizza. we take care of a cat.

the second day i tell catherine to let her hair airdry, this does help with a problem she was having. her hair too oily, i tussle it. i tussle it and it's less oily. girls dont know how to take care of their hair. me and her hangout with kgor. it's nice. we went to an art museum. me and her make a kale salad later. i know this sounds boring. but i cannot get across the whimsy. 

maybe memories dont have the value i think they do.

on the second of september i take pictures of someone accused of being a sexpest. i dont think they did it. faer story reminds me kinda of mine. i see a show with audrey. it's nice.

on the third not too much happens. i enjoy it. both me and catherine have class to attend. we were gonna watch metropolis together, didnt have time. we have good curry tho. 

i think it's good to have friends that you arent really sexual with and just hangout together and get to cuddle. that sorta stuff rocks. 

today i nearly missed my flight. i misplaced my hat.

im back in boulder now. im tired. i miss my friends. i miss the east coast. i no longer am having the “you should destroy your life because it's going well” urge. it's been three or four years since i started trying to understand love and perception. i dont know what i want to know. i think i need a girl to hold. i dont think i want to fall in love with anyone else and destroy my relationship. i feel like a r3tard. i am a dog. i love my girlfriend. im sorry im like. but she says she understands. thats why i love her. im in sorrow i dont get to see her at least once a week. i want to fall asleep with her again. shes nice and soft and good to bite.

----.

"if you go deaf im not learning sign language".

"you would".

i cant be mad because shes not wrong. 

september third: you should be hated here.

you should be hated here.

over the past month or so i believe i have been subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship with my girlfriend.

i believe this is probably in part because i am not use to not drowning in a sea of instability, i was unemployed for a year and two thirds and was in a generally abusive environment. in part it is also because i am unable to conceive of myself as a person, i am a character, i do what is expected of a character, what is thematic. i am suppose to hurt people, i am suppose to seek forgiveness which never comes (i already learned the lesson that lex walton taught me, that forgiveness only comes from yourself). i am unuse to my story having ended. to sitting in the epilogue.

i am too tired. i think theres a death drive. people are oddly comfortable with being in unhappy places. i like my girlfriend audrey. im mad at myself that ive made her brain weird within past month. i am mad at myself for not understanding love. i also do understand love. i love mundanity. love blossoms in mundane actions. i wish i lived closer to my girlfriend. i kinda think i am someone who needs to live alone. i fall apart whenever i am not around other people. i am scared of other people. it's nearly three here. im talking to mae. "ruining your relationship with your girlfriend" seems like a story action. life isnt a story. audrey is soft and biting her is wonderful. i feel like im about to pass out.

september first. morning. and august thirty first.