5/30/2024: too eppy.

any home with me and her will not know yelling.

you know the spells that wives of queens dare not grasp,

you here with oak shield,

a heart of the field mouse,

fire burns you deep,

blade draws dragon blood from your care,

sweet girl of a too gentle world,

may you remember thus:

to the depths winds blow,

find fragile things and cover them from harm.

fall asleep wishing could hold odd women.

i want to do a musical project called today i saw the sea, im no longer afraid. 

i want to sample warren zevon and the grateful dead.

5/29/2024.

nothing tonight, too tipsy eepy.

5/28/2024: coastal philosophy.

im tired. of seeing my friends harmed.

i think i need to bring together these attitudes these girls have taught me. east coast leave me alone, west coast friendly. im a zip file of memories of darlings. when i get to see any of them it bursts out. puppy teething at flannel. i say ezra pound taught me poetry and 4lung taught me how to listen. thats false. it's all thanks to lily. or. it's never all thanks as we want to believe. it's always many bringing together into one. "theres a revolution going on over there, why are you passing out anarchist zines". my oldest sister visited the philippines and it was the first way i was taught about a foreign land i couldnt see, not the first but one of many firsts. im not sure how to say im proud of anyone. each day spent staying alive is something to be proud of for these sorts of girls i love. im too tired to continue speaking or thinking. goodnight my friends.

5/27/2024: cheating is good clean fun until we come to the trauma.

blood mead.

"hey you used me as a tool in cheating".

accountability.

it's trying. i think at least.

4lung replied to me. luke vc'd with me.

it's two am. again. again.

i need to live with a girl who makes me want to be in bed before eleven.

it's smooth music.

eat out of my hand.

getting a job is scary.

i need it.

i need twenty dollars.

and i wont suck a cishet guy off for it.

5/26/2024: this one goes out to all the filipinas in the audience.

old people love to mention when someone is chinese. 

to be fair. i do the same thing. but instead of chinese i just mention if someone is filipina.

i need to know more filipinas.

the probably of being extremely correct is that you go insane and so just concepts go wonky.

i find the most insane shit extremely funny.

im like three hundred steps in front of you.

i could easily be evil. being evil is easy. being good is annoying and has only a few benefits. but it's the correct option.

i think it would be fucked up but funny to replace someones balls with d20s.

i need to hold audrey.

a friend is writing good poetry finally. 

well. we arent friends yet.

maybe we will be eventually. i miss some friends who have forgotten me.

what if they realized they fucked up and forgiven me but just. it's too awkward to apologize.

that would be awful.

but also kinda funny.

i need to know a trans girl who is jewish and filipina.

i dont know why im like this.

2/25//2024. midnight.to.one.twnety.eoght.

confession to long time friend. confession to someone who barely knows me. jerk off. go to bed. i hate sexuality and desires. im a girl who loves another girl. i should be asleep by ten every night and be in bed with my weird, strange, and off-putting girl. i commented. many times about the fact that i cant go sleep besides her or be near her. i dont really sit on the floor a lot. i would if i lived with her. i didnt draw dejiko. tommorow. mizwaja string snap, eat oak heart. i feel bad after jerking off. i have lost at least two days total to sexting. fuck me. sex is only fun if it's with someone. sex isnt even that fun. israfel is right about sex. she and me knows tetris is much more fun. my relationship to israfel was at first sexual i think. i think this was a mistake. i want to have many friends who i would never fuck. i do not know why but i trust israfel more than most people. this is a diary that anyone can read. hiraeth for headspace roleplay. was that abusive honey?, im genuinely asking. no one is giving answers or being honest with me anyway so how gives a hoot about mütevazı. 

oh cool nevermind it returned. i want apple pancakes for breakfast. i need to shower tomorrow. but the modest. who cares. no one cares about them. need to email. bite in. let me bake for you please!!!. i hate when a woman has bpd, like im trying to be nice but youre not responding because you think i hate you or something stupid. "oh youve sent so many messages i have to reply to all of them :(". no you dont. we all know everyone is busy and just man. fuck you. none of this wouldve happened if sadie had one of those jobs where it's just data entry and a six year old could do it. if those exist. someone. please let transfems properly socialize and learn to progress beyond hookups and. well. im sorry. because im doing this too. moon sorrows remind me of voring a shirt. oklahoma †√@ππyyy. they all got their hands on me and are weird about answering dms. imagine knowing 4lung and seeing your friend trashed daily. thats gotta be crazy. whatever. who cares. im like weezer and will toledo. but i want to wear a kippa under my baseball cap.

oh g-d let me sleep.

בָּרוּךְ שֵׁם כְּבוֹד מַלְכוּתוֹ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד

וְאָ֣הַבְתָּ֔ אֵ֖ת יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֶ֑יךָ בְּכָל־לְבָבְךָ֥ וּבְכָל־נַפְשְׁךָ֖ וּבְכָל־מְאֹדֶֽך

וְהָי֞וּ הַדְּבָרִ֣ים הָאֵ֗לֶּה אֲשֶׁ֨ר אָנֹכִ֧י מְצַוְּךָ֛ הַיּ֖וֹם עַל־לְבָבֶֽךָ

וְשִׁנַּנְתָּ֣ם לְבָנֶ֔יךָ וְדִבַּרְתָּ֖ בָּ֑ם בְּשִׁבְתְּךָ֤ בְּבֵיתֶ֙ךָ֙ וּבְלֶכְתְּךָ֣ בַדֶּ֔רֶךְ וּֽבְשָׁכְבְּךָ֖ וּבְקוּמֶֽךָ

וּקְשַׁרְתָּ֥ם לְא֖וֹת עַל־יָדֶ֑ךָ וְהָי֥וּ לְטֹטָפֹ֖ת בֵּ֥ין עֵינֶֽיךָ

וּכְתַבְתָּ֛ם עַל־מְזוּזֹ֥ת בֵּיתֶ֖ךָ וּבִשְׁעָרֶֽיךָ

וְהָיָ֗ה אִם־שָׁמֹ֤עַ תִּשְׁמְעוּ֙ אֶל־מִצְותַ֔י אֲשֶׁ֧ר אָנֹכִ֛י מְצַוֶּ֥ה אֶתְכֶ֖ם הַיּ֑וֹם לְאַהֲבָ֞ה אֶת־יְהוָ֤ה אֱלֹֽהֵיכֶם֙ וּלְעָבְד֔וֹ בְּכָל־לְבַבְכֶ֖ם וּבְכָל־נַפְשְׁכֶֽם׃ וְנָתַתִּ֧י מְטַֽר־אַרְצְכֶ֛ם בְּעִתּ֖וֹ יוֹרֶ֣ה וּמַלְק֑וֹשׁ וְאָסַפְתָּ֣ דְגָנֶ֔ךָ וְתִֽירֹשְׁךָ֖ וְיִצְהָרֶֽךָ׃ וְנָתַתִּ֛י עֵ֥שֶׂב בְּשָׂדְךָ֖ לִבְהֶמְתֶּ֑ךָ וְאָכַלְתָּ֖ וְשָׂבָֽעְתָּ׃ הִשָּֽׁמְר֣וּ לָכֶ֔ם פֶּ֥ן יִפְתֶּ֖ה לְבַבְכֶ֑ם וְסַרְתֶּ֗ם וַעֲבַדְתֶּם֙ אֱלֹהִ֣ים אֲחֵרִ֔ים וְהִשְׁתַּחֲוִיתֶ֖ם לָהֶֽם׃ וְחָרָ֨ה אַף־יְהוָ֜ה בָּכֶ֗ם וְעָצַ֤ר אֶת־הַשָּׁמַ֙יִם֙ וְלֹֽא־יִהְיֶ֣ה מָטָ֔ר וְהָ֣אֲדָמָ֔ה לֹ֥א תִתֵּ֖ן אֶת־יְבוּלָ֑הּ וַאֲבַדְתֶּ֣ם מְהֵרָ֗ה מֵעַל֙ הָאָ֣רֶץ הַטֹּבָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר יְהוָ֖ה נֹתֵ֥ן לָכֶֽם׃ וְשַׂמְתֶּם֙ אֶת־דְּבָרַ֣י אֵ֔לֶּה עַל־לְבַבְכֶ֖ם וְעַֽל־נַפְשְׁכֶ֑ם וּקְשַׁרְתֶּ֨ם אֹתָ֤ם לְאוֹת֙ עַל־יֶדְכֶ֔ם וְהָי֥וּ לְטוֹטָפֹ֖ת בֵּ֥ין עֵינֵיכֶֽם׃ וְלִמַּדְתֶּ֥ם אֹתָ֛ם אֶת־בְּנֵיכֶ֖ם לְדַבֵּ֣ר בָּ֑ם בְּשִׁבְתְּךָ֤ בְּבֵיתֶ֙ךָ֙ וּבְלֶכְתְּךָ֣ בַדֶּ֔רֶךְ וּֽבְשָׁכְבְּךָ֖ וּבְקוּמֶֽךָ׃ וּכְתַבְתָּ֛ם עַל־מְזוּז֥וֹת בֵּיתֶ֖ךָ וּבִשְׁעָרֶֽיךָ׃ לְמַ֨עַן יִרְבּ֤וּ יְמֵיכֶם֙ וִימֵ֣י בְנֵיכֶ֔ם עַ֚ל הָֽאֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֨ר נִשְׁבַּ֧ע יְהוָ֛ה לַאֲבֹתֵיכֶ֖ם לָתֵ֣ת לָהֶ֑ם כִּימֵ֥י הַשָּׁמַ֖יִם עַל־הָאָֽרֶץ׃

וַיֹּ֥אמֶר יְהוָ֖ה אֶל־מֹשֶׁ֥ה לֵּאמֹֽר׃ דַּבֵּ֞ר אֶל־בְּנֵ֤י יִשְׂרָאֵל֙ וְאָמַרְתָּ֣ אֲלֵהֶ֔ם וְעָשׂ֨וּ לָהֶ֥ם צִיצִ֛ת עַל־כַּנְפֵ֥י בִגְדֵיהֶ֖ם לְדֹרֹתָ֑ם וְנָֽתְנ֛וּ עַל־צִיצִ֥ת הַכָּנָ֖ף פְּתִ֥יל תְּכֵֽלֶת׃ וְהָיָ֣ה לָכֶם֮ לְצִיצִת֒ וּרְאִיתֶ֣ם אֹת֗וֹ וּזְכַרְתֶּם֙ אֶת־כָּל־מִצְוות יְהוָ֔ה וַעֲשִׂיתֶ֖ם אֹתָ֑ם וְלֹֽא־תָתֻ֜רוּ אַחֲרֵ֤י לְבַבְכֶם֙ וְאַחֲרֵ֣י עֵֽינֵיכֶ֔ם אֲשֶׁר־אַתֶּ֥ם זֹנִ֖ים אַחֲרֵיהֶֽם׃ לְמַ֣עַן תִּזְכְּר֔וּ וַעֲשִׂיתֶ֖ם אֶת־כָּל־מִצְותָ֑י וִהְיִיתֶ֥ם קְדֹשִׁ֖ים לֵֽאלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃ אֲנִ֞י יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹֽהֵיכֶ֗ם אֲשֶׁ֨ר הוֹצֵ֤אתִי אֶתְכֶם֙ מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרַ֔יִם לִהְי֥וֹת לָכֶ֖ם לֵאלֹהִ֑ים אֲנִ֖י יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃

you

apparently reform omits a lot of it. i never knew that. i learn judaism slowly. im not good at studying but oops. here in this world and i cant get out and i dont want to. 

one, i will one night know it fully and audrey will not understand why im excited to memorize something. thats ok.

you shall love fully and all that you can love. this is what you have been instructed and advised to do. give this to all that comes after you. remember this, a love, constantly, at rest and at journey wandering. bind this unyielding love to your hand and your acts; to your head and thoughts; to your hearth and heart. bind them to your gates so that all who pass you thus know this love. goodnight audrey. this, as always is dedicated to g-d and audrey.