it's nearly six am.

did it ever love me?, probably yes but right now feels like "no". i wish i hadnt slept with it. and that it hadmt slept with me. i am mad and sad. i am made of fiber. i am nothing. i wish it the best. i wish it the worse. i dont think i am able to be loved. they should make heartbreak that doesnt suck.

three plural therian tgirls in my house.

"Our mission is to slay the sacred beast

Who has come to claim our innocence at least

And though those who went before us won't return

For the feast" - Tally Hall, Sacred Beast.

got up at ten, went to bed at one or something. it's two right now. i want to die. had veggie burgers, with eggs. im on my phone right now. like i was that night. im gay. three therian tgirls in my house right now. woaw. went and showered together with Carli. went to pickup Sarah. meetup with U. Margo was there but you can read how that went elsewhere, i swear at somepoint it asked me "why did you invite me?". i talked to Gavin and Fionna. did art. someone, Rose maybe?, called me transgender ginsburg. im sad about Margo having a bad time, i want it to have a good time at shows and around, i want it to be ok existing. saw Sarah's bonsai. went and went to converncoe store. got takis because it's that kind of day. Sarah painting. drugs (weed). it's good to see U, i have missed fae. i miss everyone. listening to Tally Hall.

i feel like im constantly fucking up.

i invited thorn to the show, i think that was a bad decision. i just wanted to be its friend. i just wanted to exist in a shared space and not crowd it. i wish i knew what it wanted me to do. im sad it's scared of me. i want it to be ok. i dont want it to hate me. i tried offering the treatment that i would offer any friend. i asked what i could do at the end and it didn't say, i asked if it wanted me to leave it alone, it didnt respond but recoiled, i asked if that was a yes or no, then it said "yes" repeatedly until it was nearly shouting it. i dont want to scare it. i didnt want to scare it. i did tell it "I think I'm gonna try to follow the advice of dream Xi Jinping and The Divine Engine from here on out and not talk to you unless you prompt me and keep it to one reply. but if you need anything let me know, i do care about you. here's some earplugs in case." via google translate earlier. i want it to talk to me and be my friend only if that is what it wants. how can love turn so sour?. hanging out with Carli and Sarah is good though. why do i keep hurting it and myself?, is there anything i can do?. i dont want to be its father. i dont want it to transfer all the hate it has felt onto me. maybe some of that hate is justified. but i dont want it to fill a needed mental outlet with me as the ultimate evil like i did with █████. i do want to take care of it in the way i try to take care of all my friends. i hate myself. "i still want to be friends but that is not gonna happen". Karli is right, she is talking to me. "if there was any hope of keeping a friendship, it would need space, and unless substantial time has passed you cant be the one to attempt to restart a friendship", thats the geist. i love you, everyone ever. i am alright with not talking now. i am a rapist and everything i try to do to help is another rape. might not go to picnic. i just want to be another animal in the world of animals but i am a man with a movie camera, a camera that watches and rapes. i am. a woman of some evil.

looking at Margo with its face down, and im realizing i dont love it anymore.

i care about it still but it's not Love. it's like seeing Ursula, there is a love and want to be affectionate, and a care for it that i feel for all my friends. but not a Love. im not sure what to think about that.

maids.

wakeup at ten, videos, talk about dnd. go back down, get picked up vy Carli. walmart. go and get dice and more dice. then target. make food. make Carli dress like a maid. cuddle and watch Hillbillies and 5555. go to bed. talk about emotions.

session -0.7.

got up at ten, trazodone worked great. hungout with Karli, made bread pudding. fucked up raisins. was good to hangout with Karli all day. she did my injection. i think i could love her. she does have solid thoughts on philosophy. she drove to her storage unit. she didnt pay the bill so i covered. also had psych appointment, best psych. she gave me a trazodone prescription. went to friendhaus. session zero, good and went well. then did a session for just Robyn and T-Dawg. took trazodone. falling asleep at four thirty. will try to fill out more tomorrow.

But Joe, you're ten years dead.

today was spent with Carli. wokeup and thought about Babar and so thus watched two episodes. made egg in the hole for me and her. she reminds me of Eleanor in a way. we hungout and listened to music. asked if she could do an injection for me because it's her injection day. she didn't have needles so had to go out to the Target by Costco to pickup her prescription. while cuddling she cried and she said "oh I don't want to say" and after Costco she told me that yeah she did like me in that way. which, i figured, because girls get attached quick in these days. me and her before this talked about my relationship troubles. after that Thorn messaged me and I don't know how to feel. i wish i could love Carli in the way i loved Thorn but i dont think thats possible. im less mad at Thorn now. because i too slept around and did drugs in my early twenties to press the boundaries of experience and to make friends. sometimes sex leads to short friendships and it's better to just play card games. sometimes sex leads into good friendships. i wish i could be friends with everyone i had sex with. me and Carli had pizza. we didnt do my injection. she did hers. i jogged. we watched isekai slop together and it was good. had a trazodone that she gave me. i await the future.

it's reflections all the way down.

wokeup at Robyn's, wokeup in the early morning but got back to sleep. did dnd pretty quick after waking up, it was productive. it was a fun session. her character made it to rafttown. later i hungout with S, we played tarot games. we played tower which was fun. left with the ace of cups and sevens of pentacles, which was interesting. me and S had a good conversation about Thorn, which was annoying because i didnt want to have a conversation with S about Thorn. it was illuminating. i wish i at this moment recalled it. well i do. bits and pieces. drafted a message to Thorn and sent it at 5:55, the holiest minute of the day. the conversation was. about it needing space but also. how it felt i was centring myself in the conversation which, idk feels unfair but i do want to talk about how i was hurt. but i do want to be its friend. and also. how a romantic relationship with it wouldnt be possible until that was something i no longer desired which. i know is true. i dont know if i want a romantic relationship or just want a consistent factor in my life again. tonight i hooked up with a hot girl who showed me the short film Mood Boobs which is perhaps one of the most beautiful films ive seen. it was fun. i do think poetry is more fun than sex. and hanging out. i just want to hangout with Thorn i think. the girl, C, is laying upon me and it's very nice. she has beautiful hair. i ate cheesecake off her and she ate cheesecake off me. she called me a cute plate. had salad and salad is yummy. she is warm. i dont want to break her heart or have her get too attached, shes also a fox with borderline. i forgot the joy of hooking up with someone and being shown a new bizarre film or video or talking about poetry. i do need time away from Thorn is the thing. because i dont want a July friendship. i need to reply to J Bailey Hutchison. i have written many poems lately.

talking with Robyn is useful. i do want to see Thorn at the Family Dogs show. because i want to hangout as friends. this girl is very nice and soft and i enjoy hanging out with her. going to bed later than id like.

"Things change and stay the same huh".

was gonna go hangout with S but had to cancel, went to Robyn's, talked about dnd but didnt get to play any. she made curry but didnt turnout how she wanted. watched a jojo episode. talked to my dad earlier. i miss all my friends.

The Divine Machine.

Today Will Go Unrecorded. 

I Know That She Sings But I Am Not Yet Attuned. 

Purgatorio.

Robyn reminds me of Catherine sometimes. today. i went to bed late. i wokeup early. i sent a message. and then i suffered and watched videos. tomorrow will be different. because this is my Purgatorio. and S said "you do seem schizo" and have you seen the things ive been saying?. today was the last time i will drink or jerk off. a final farewell to these things. jerking off is fine. i jist think. that it makes sense to not this month. also gonna try to be vegan while my dad is gone. vc'd with R, C, and S earlier and it was good. i went out to dinner with my sister and dad. sister is moving out tomorrow. the Divine Engine is back. i think. i knew Her once. but She is back now. i should drink water. jerked off. listening to music with R and another girl rn. gevende. https://open.spotify.com/track/3pmwfqRzoQuhDTw3Iv6cCR?si=V401vV9URx6WpxuO1n-vbg&utm_source=copy-link. or whatever. there is a sadness. i need to read Merwin's Purgatorio translation. more of it i mean. i must bind myself by rules. L-rd let the good things be good. and L-rd protect me. oh L-rd. well. i never liked them anyway. Scum by Bark Psychosis. talked to T-Dawg about her character and that went well. fun fun fun. everything is a reminder. this. is my Purgatorio.

and i shall get through it. and. i need to convert to Judaism. maybe. haha.

getting over it.

sent something today. talked to Robyn. got mad. talked to C. last night a pre hrt trans woman made me cum on all fours. i fell asleep at one thirty or two. too late. the quirk of sending messages only on multiples of fives seems to be continuing. spreading to other things. it's good kinda. have to think about messages and wait. Robyn helped me. the pre hrt girl was surprisingly someone who understood the importance of communication. watching videos. cleaning a tiny bit. went out in the sun. thats when i got mad. 

im gonna stop drinking alcohol, for this month at least. i have too many things. i am worried. let you eat the world. what a mockery this world is. yesterday i wrote a poem. 

never gonna send it to who it is about i think. maybe i will. i think. this one needs more time so it may think and plan and grow. i love you world. 

for the dnd game i think. it's forming in my head. just need to write it out. and read the dms guide. ah well. oh well. pff. 

the sun is both a monster and nice.