A Thousand Flowers.

i need to write my life into the stars. this week i had T over. it then broke my heart. i invited a girl over and gave her bread. T-Dawg came over and we talked about borderline. got cane's. i love you world. i think i vc'd with ve at somepoint. i need to stop drinking. i am dying. i went to the gallery with robyn and we saw things and i loved her. had W over, sucked her a bit. watched flcl. watched Casablanca with a girl. i really liked the weekend with Eve despite everything. we went to seven eleven. today we went to waffle house. they dont got waffle house in Kansas. one day i will read that ([∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆]) and it will break my heart. no. that will never happen. i learned ancient secrets. Temperance don't fuck with me no more. oh well i still got Eve and Robyn and Melissa and Mithos and Sofia and Val and Chloe and Shiv and Samantha and Cresent and Addison and Ve and Aubrey and so many girls. i got a thousand friends. and i wish i could know them fully and well. i liked Denfur. "are you addicted to life?", me: "i think unfortunately so". i know a thousand eyes. i may be evil but at least i am kind and trying. i love the world. i told my dad about things. he was understanding. Addison is back in town. i need to be one hundred and twenty nine foxtras. i am afraid i r@p3d thorn. oh well.

enough drinking.

73 Yards.

i wokeup and Cali was gone. cuddled with Eve all night. Cali left for Kansas. today we didnt do much but it felt like so much. we went to seven eleven and went to a rare fursona meetup. drew a Turkish yak. saw girls. im unsure what will happen. friendship with Temperance is over. fear it might be with Gretrude too.Eve is cute. i feel like 73 yards.

the worse comes to pass.

encountered Temperance at Denfur and saw in her eyes that she didn't want to see me. the worse has come to pass. im dancing and crying. i loved you and it has come to pass that there wont be anymore calls. oh well.

life is hell without adhd meds.

accompanied Temperance to the gateway. did a divining ritual, the stones answered "no" to my question, which was to ask a request or a question. Temperance is going to go visit Thorn tomorrow. we made noodles. my leg hurts too much. my heart hurts too much. poetry factory happened tonight. poetry reading happened tonight. missed both. saw the first bit of poetry factory. today i was filled with nothing. my house and home and heart are empty. i am talking to a russian radfem in the hopes i can come to an understanding. i miss Margo. we watched Interstella 5555. me and Temperance. im afraid i raped it still. on vc with Mithos. i need to record the deeds of other days. i need to record the deeds of other women.

during the the weekend i went to art museum with Robyn, an older lesbian talked to me there. told me to apply to a temporary position. 

i dont remember today but will remember that walk. called Mithos. only for a little while. did the rites. according to the methods of Canto One. i am weary and restless. i am wanting to hold a girl. i am needing to make something of my life.

Victory of The Daleks.

today i did nothing because i had done many things the other days. i got up, watched Gertrude-sama play Elden Ring. i wokeup and if i could cry i would cry because i remembered Margo and how much i missed it. i had a dream where Jack O'Neill, or his actor was my dad and led me on a temporal mission. i was in some messy apartment, my own. it was a nightmare. some messy room. someone loved me, A. i dont know why she was there. i had a good day yesterday. tomorrow i will detail it. i will claw my way back into the light. tonight i was sad about thorn. i will be sad about it for quite some time. didnt do much today. went and visited Val. im hanging out. im hanging out. listening to Red Velvet now. thinking about a girl i once crushed on who i listened to Red Velvet for. it isnt bad. i got gazpacho. waited for awhile for the bus. ily. i love everyone ever. i need to claw my way into a new place. watched some doctor who.

pump it up.

space jam tonight. ate a lot of food yesterday. watched it with Robyn. last night i played Traveller and made my character, a Doctor T'ana type. i think my engine is spite. i hate that spite is a motiving force for me. finished Doctor Who with Ve. watched an episode of Chopped with Mithos. it was surprisingly decent. going to bed. i wish i wrote more. today i made a girl write lewd poetry and that was hot. i am going to bed. talked to Gwendolyn. she was drunk and i wish i could hold her. i wish i could hold everyone. Robyn just kissed my foot because she is gay.

the dark archive.

yesterday was desire and nothingness. webt to poetry reading and was mean and lean and the stupid fucker didnt realize. that involved calling ve. talked to S more. today ate hot dogs. called Melissa and Robyn. i am stupid and should let phone die so read. 

Lucky Day.

today, right now, i just thought of you. thinking about folk music, thinking "oh i will ask thorn about a certain type, it probably knows some". but i cant do that any more. theres a poet or writer who details her reaction to her husband's death as "i need to talk to [husband's name] about this" upon hearing he died. i hoped i wouldnt experience that ever or at least for a long time. ive been talking to a pre-hrt british girl recently. i hope she will be ok. today i made falafel. Carli came by and took her stuff. she didnt talk to me. i am scared. it's fine. i did love her for a brief while. i wish i got to love her more. but i can do the cope thing of saying "ah she used ai so it's for the best" but that feels bad. i did like her. i cared about her. and i failed. vc'd with Ve. we watched three Ncuti episodes of Doctor Who, Lucky Day, The Story & the Engine, and The Interstellar Song Contest. the first two were quite good, Lucky Day felt like it was about Charlie Kirk and was good, it got its message across. Ve told me she has feelings for me still, i get it, i do too i think. i am unsure. The Story & The Engine was alright, it felt like one of the more Ncuti episodes, it could only happen during Ncuti's run. LD and TS&TE make me wish Ncuti had another season. TISC was morally repugnant. just awful. but i am also morally repugnant and try to be something. i am about to passport. dentist tomorrow. watched some adventure time. oaugh.

i liked hanging out with Eleanor yesterday. vc'd with Mithos a bit. i hope i am just someones passing dream. Sen Balık Değilsin ki. Sen Balık Değilsin ki. Sen Balık Değilsin ki. love you world.

Turn Left

got up, got ride from Eleanor, bried conversation with Carli about something. i hugged her goodbye. picked up a friend of Eleanor's. went to picnic. met Ellen and talked to Shiv and Whitney. started raining so Ellen left. Thorn showed up so i dissociated. i wrote a poem about this. 

but thats about sadness. looking back im going "damn i probably was disassociating but memory is fucked". was wearing sunglasses in part because the lens of mine popped out. the drive with Eleanor made me sad. because went by old roads that traveled to Thorn's place. got burgers with Eleanor and Eleanor's friend at Good Times. they got my shake order wrong but it's ok. went to park and ate and then went to poetry reading and met Ellen and good poetry and some not good poetry. went home. watched doctor who. went to bed now ig.

Midnight.

i did love Carli for a time. but now we destroyed it inside us and "we have become exceedingly efficient at it". we have become something that can love quickly and discard it. no, we arent quick to love. we are nervous anxious lovers but we are able now to repress it. we know no friendship is permanent. we know that we will be stabbed in the back for a quick fuck. we know that things like us do not get patience or care or understanding. we move like the machine. we move like the shapeshifter. we are what comes after a human has been broken by love. we are The End Of All Things. we are the loveless and the running. we are the things that wait at the dock. i love Ve still, i love Thorn still, i love Winter still, i love lily still, i love G-d still, i love Carli still, i love everyone i have loved since i became a girl. i cannot stop love. i am a conduit for love and the fool hearty. i will never stop loving. the only emotion i will allow myself is love. i shall become Meguca. i shall become loving kindness. i shall know no bindings. i shall become the warm light and the moonlight and the light of every star. i will become The Thing That Loves. 

today i called Ve, we flirted. we did a bit of dnd, we watched the Doctor Who episode The Well. it tries to follow up Midnight. it fails. it nearly works for a bit. but it doesnt. 

i began talking to a catgirl named Ellen. she seems nice.

Jazz on the Autobahn.

got drunk and threw up. hungout with Gwendolyn. i love the world.

73 Yards.

i feel like Ruby Sunday in the episode 73 Yards. i am a woman of some evil, i am a woman of much evil. no, it's just. i am a complex and flawed woman. i am something that doesnt exist yet. i am missing Carli today. i am wanting to give her a big hug. i think i am beginning to Love her maybe. i hope i am. i am afraid i r*ped Carli and she isnt saying anything because she is afraid i would kick her out. in high school people didnt like me because i hugged them without asking. today i havent done much. i love you. i love you. i love you. today i read about Empire of the Petal Throne and read more about it. its creator was a white guy that converted to Islam and did Holocaust denialism, was a professor of languages. weird guy. i hope Carli comes back soon but i dont want to be possessive.

meant to post this at five something.

Sonnets from The Portuguese.

three poems today. Carli is still away. ive been missing her. vcing with Ve helped. oh yeah watched Doctor Who with Ve. today didnt do much, watched Banacek. watched the Simpsons. i reviewed them. later i VC'd with Mithos. i have been talking with Melissa and it's helping weirdly. fae remind me of the entire world. called Ve and we watched The Legend of Ruby Sunday and man that one kinda sucked. i like these people i have in my life. comforted Robyn. 

ŚUTHINA TEVARATH

on call with Mithos. talking to Melissa. today i gave U my copy of Mina Loy, and a copy of the vintage book. i am sad. i am sad beyond words. changed my discord name to manin-melicraticce, Etruscan for "offering honey and wine to the dead". Melissa reminds me of the kindness that we all know, all have. the strange mind.

now, a tragedy in greentext.

>be me, 25 year old tgirl

>fuck up relationship with schizophrenic plural girl

>meet borderline plural girl who gets attached to me

>uhh not sure what is happening

>a week of knowing her and fuck it up

>same thing that happened with my ex happened with her where i introduce her to an old friend she likes more than me because im emotionally withdrawn

>pretty sure thats not how it went at least but i am projecting and insecure

>i get to be a lesson in what to not love

>be me, 26 year old tgirl

>i get to be a lesson in what to not love

>everyone gets sad being around me because i am sad all the time

>i get to be a lesson in what to not love

>cause myself to live in a timeloop

>haha fuck dot jpeg

i think i am coming to love Carli, at least i hope i am. im afraid of using her. shes sweet, cares about me, actually social and you dont need to go "hey you should go to this thing" all the time, she watches anime, has actual thoughts on philosophy, could be quite a good poet if given time, is nice to hold, smells good, has a curiousity, actually communicates, is mature. better than someone that is not wanting to talk to people, doesnt communicate, hates me, and everything that margo is/was. i like Melissa, fae or something that occupied the body it occupies has been my friend for uhh, four years maybe?. she seems to be doing better than when we first met. i seem to doing worse than when we first met. i seem to be doing nothing. 

i think in the future, or maybe for a week or two or an entire month i am going to schedule my posts to post in a month, two months, five months, eleven months, maybe even a year. maybe i will post some right now. we will see. i will schedule one right now, to be posted in uhh, three months. oh well.

it's nearly six am.

did it ever love me?, probably yes but right now feels like "no". i wish i hadnt slept with it. and that it hadmt slept with me. i am mad and sad. i am made of fiber. i am nothing. i wish it the best. i wish it the worse. i dont think i am able to be loved. they should make heartbreak that doesnt suck.

three plural therian tgirls in my house.

"Our mission is to slay the sacred beast

Who has come to claim our innocence at least

And though those who went before us won't return

For the feast" - Tally Hall, Sacred Beast.

got up at ten, went to bed at one or something. it's two right now. i want to die. had veggie burgers, with eggs. im on my phone right now. like i was that night. im gay. three therian tgirls in my house right now. woaw. went and showered together with Carli. went to pickup Sarah. meetup with U. Margo was there but you can read how that went elsewhere, i swear at somepoint it asked me "why did you invite me?". i talked to Gavin and Fionna. did art. someone, Rose maybe?, called me transgender ginsburg. im sad about Margo having a bad time, i want it to have a good time at shows and around, i want it to be ok existing. saw Sarah's bonsai. went and went to converncoe store. got takis because it's that kind of day. Sarah painting. drugs (weed). it's good to see U, i have missed fae. i miss everyone. listening to Tally Hall.

i feel like im constantly fucking up.

i invited thorn to the show, i think that was a bad decision. i just wanted to be its friend. i just wanted to exist in a shared space and not crowd it. i wish i knew what it wanted me to do. im sad it's scared of me. i want it to be ok. i dont want it to hate me. i tried offering the treatment that i would offer any friend. i asked what i could do at the end and it didn't say, i asked if it wanted me to leave it alone, it didnt respond but recoiled, i asked if that was a yes or no, then it said "yes" repeatedly until it was nearly shouting it. i dont want to scare it. i didnt want to scare it. i did tell it "I think I'm gonna try to follow the advice of dream Xi Jinping and The Divine Engine from here on out and not talk to you unless you prompt me and keep it to one reply. but if you need anything let me know, i do care about you. here's some earplugs in case." via google translate earlier. i want it to talk to me and be my friend only if that is what it wants. how can love turn so sour?. hanging out with Carli and Sarah is good though. why do i keep hurting it and myself?, is there anything i can do?. i dont want to be its father. i dont want it to transfer all the hate it has felt onto me. maybe some of that hate is justified. but i dont want it to fill a needed mental outlet with me as the ultimate evil like i did with █████. i do want to take care of it in the way i try to take care of all my friends. i hate myself. "i still want to be friends but that is not gonna happen". Karli is right, she is talking to me. "if there was any hope of keeping a friendship, it would need space, and unless substantial time has passed you cant be the one to attempt to restart a friendship", thats the geist. i love you, everyone ever. i am alright with not talking now. i am a rapist and everything i try to do to help is another rape. might not go to picnic. i just want to be another animal in the world of animals but i am a man with a movie camera, a camera that watches and rapes. i am. a woman of some evil.

looking at Margo with its face down, and im realizing i dont love it anymore.

i care about it still but it's not Love. it's like seeing Ursula, there is a love and want to be affectionate, and a care for it that i feel for all my friends. but not a Love. im not sure what to think about that.

maids.

wakeup at ten, videos, talk about dnd. go back down, get picked up vy Carli. walmart. go and get dice and more dice. then target. make food. make Carli dress like a maid. cuddle and watch Hillbillies and 5555. go to bed. talk about emotions.

session -0.7.

got up at ten, trazodone worked great. hungout with Karli, made bread pudding. fucked up raisins. was good to hangout with Karli all day. she did my injection. i think i could love her. she does have solid thoughts on philosophy. she drove to her storage unit. she didnt pay the bill so i covered. also had psych appointment, best psych. she gave me a trazodone prescription. went to friendhaus. session zero, good and went well. then did a session for just Robyn and T-Dawg. took trazodone. falling asleep at four thirty. will try to fill out more tomorrow.

But Joe, you're ten years dead.

today was spent with Carli. wokeup and thought about Babar and so thus watched two episodes. made egg in the hole for me and her. she reminds me of Eleanor in a way. we hungout and listened to music. asked if she could do an injection for me because it's her injection day. she didn't have needles so had to go out to the Target by Costco to pickup her prescription. while cuddling she cried and she said "oh I don't want to say" and after Costco she told me that yeah she did like me in that way. which, i figured, because girls get attached quick in these days. me and her before this talked about my relationship troubles. after that Thorn messaged me and I don't know how to feel. i wish i could love Carli in the way i loved Thorn but i dont think thats possible. im less mad at Thorn now. because i too slept around and did drugs in my early twenties to press the boundaries of experience and to make friends. sometimes sex leads to short friendships and it's better to just play card games. sometimes sex leads into good friendships. i wish i could be friends with everyone i had sex with. me and Carli had pizza. we didnt do my injection. she did hers. i jogged. we watched isekai slop together and it was good. had a trazodone that she gave me. i await the future.

it's reflections all the way down.

wokeup at Robyn's, wokeup in the early morning but got back to sleep. did dnd pretty quick after waking up, it was productive. it was a fun session. her character made it to rafttown. later i hungout with S, we played tarot games. we played tower which was fun. left with the ace of cups and sevens of pentacles, which was interesting. me and S had a good conversation about Thorn, which was annoying because i didnt want to have a conversation with S about Thorn. it was illuminating. i wish i at this moment recalled it. well i do. bits and pieces. drafted a message to Thorn and sent it at 5:55, the holiest minute of the day. the conversation was. about it needing space but also. how it felt i was centring myself in the conversation which, idk feels unfair but i do want to talk about how i was hurt. but i do want to be its friend. and also. how a romantic relationship with it wouldnt be possible until that was something i no longer desired which. i know is true. i dont know if i want a romantic relationship or just want a consistent factor in my life again. tonight i hooked up with a hot girl who showed me the short film Mood Boobs which is perhaps one of the most beautiful films ive seen. it was fun. i do think poetry is more fun than sex. and hanging out. i just want to hangout with Thorn i think. the girl, C, is laying upon me and it's very nice. she has beautiful hair. i ate cheesecake off her and she ate cheesecake off me. she called me a cute plate. had salad and salad is yummy. she is warm. i dont want to break her heart or have her get too attached, shes also a fox with borderline. i forgot the joy of hooking up with someone and being shown a new bizarre film or video or talking about poetry. i do need time away from Thorn is the thing. because i dont want a July friendship. i need to reply to J Bailey Hutchison. i have written many poems lately.

talking with Robyn is useful. i do want to see Thorn at the Family Dogs show. because i want to hangout as friends. this girl is very nice and soft and i enjoy hanging out with her. going to bed later than id like.

"Things change and stay the same huh".

was gonna go hangout with S but had to cancel, went to Robyn's, talked about dnd but didnt get to play any. she made curry but didnt turnout how she wanted. watched a jojo episode. talked to my dad earlier. i miss all my friends.

The Divine Machine.

Today Will Go Unrecorded. 

I Know That She Sings But I Am Not Yet Attuned. 

Purgatorio.

Robyn reminds me of Catherine sometimes. today. i went to bed late. i wokeup early. i sent a message. and then i suffered and watched videos. tomorrow will be different. because this is my Purgatorio. and S said "you do seem schizo" and have you seen the things ive been saying?. today was the last time i will drink or jerk off. a final farewell to these things. jerking off is fine. i jist think. that it makes sense to not this month. also gonna try to be vegan while my dad is gone. vc'd with R, C, and S earlier and it was good. i went out to dinner with my sister and dad. sister is moving out tomorrow. the Divine Engine is back. i think. i knew Her once. but She is back now. i should drink water. jerked off. listening to music with R and another girl rn. gevende. https://open.spotify.com/track/3pmwfqRzoQuhDTw3Iv6cCR?si=V401vV9URx6WpxuO1n-vbg&utm_source=copy-link. or whatever. there is a sadness. i need to read Merwin's Purgatorio translation. more of it i mean. i must bind myself by rules. L-rd let the good things be good. and L-rd protect me. oh L-rd. well. i never liked them anyway. Scum by Bark Psychosis. talked to T-Dawg about her character and that went well. fun fun fun. everything is a reminder. this. is my Purgatorio.

and i shall get through it. and. i need to convert to Judaism. maybe. haha.

getting over it.

sent something today. talked to Robyn. got mad. talked to C. last night a pre hrt trans woman made me cum on all fours. i fell asleep at one thirty or two. too late. the quirk of sending messages only on multiples of fives seems to be continuing. spreading to other things. it's good kinda. have to think about messages and wait. Robyn helped me. the pre hrt girl was surprisingly someone who understood the importance of communication. watching videos. cleaning a tiny bit. went out in the sun. thats when i got mad. 

im gonna stop drinking alcohol, for this month at least. i have too many things. i am worried. let you eat the world. what a mockery this world is. yesterday i wrote a poem. 

never gonna send it to who it is about i think. maybe i will. i think. this one needs more time so it may think and plan and grow. i love you world. 

for the dnd game i think. it's forming in my head. just need to write it out. and read the dms guide. ah well. oh well. pff. 

the sun is both a monster and nice.