kinda too depressed to talk.

returned to rping with pre hrt trans women. this has been what my entire twenties have been. and well. youd figure id learn by now but oh well. 

was gonna go to tea house but didnt so i missed W's party for no reason. drunk. talked to Robyn. vc'd with Ve. pfff. well. this was July. hell month. im gonna reply to JBH and clean tomorrow to lock this month away.

it's over, and. im not feeling anything.

Margo Bough please don't read this one.

it feels like it's over. i dont know in what way. or what "it" is really. but. it feels like it's over. i guess my relationship with thorn. i am too tired. i dont feel anything. it has been more than a month since our relationship was like what it was in those days. and it's been a month since i lashed out. i had an awful two weeks. then another awful two weeks. but tired ones. i dont remember this month. i hate this month. i guess i was effectively Margo's partner for a year. and then. i fucked it up because i couldnt communicate. and. because of thorns own stuff. and. i dont know. i dont know. i am scared. and tired. i thought that this relationship could be fixed or something but im not so sure. im not sure. i dont know if i want to fix it. i want it to reply to a message i sent but also not really. i dont know how to say "you hurt me accidentally and i didnt say anything because i repressed everything and then i lashed out, fucked up, traumatized you, then. we had weird sex later and i got clingy and youre going through a lot and i dont want to press upon your mind and i dont recognize you anymore. and i want what we had back but also what we had wasnt good and wasnt as good as it could be. and what the fuck. what the fuck. i am scared scared scared and havent had enough sleep".

constantly tired.

im constantly tired these days. havent been sleeping best. drinking more than i should. Robyn said i shouldnt stir the pot but being tired makes me stir the pot and think about Margo. and it's tiring. and i just want to exist on my own for awhile, see what it's like again. the loneliness seeps in again. thinking about people ive talked to that are mopey about partner stuff and it sucks. sometimes theyre over possessive. want to rush things. i dont want to be like that.

planning dnd stuff and it's exciting. i think gonna use the locate city nuke at somepoint. the worldbuilding for the plane of ooze is coming together. need to read the dungeon masters guide. focus is fucked. im sorry. talking about dnd fun but i am just so depressed. i dont want to be clingy. but i want to talk to it. why must i make everyone uncomfortable with my existence?. i have let everyone down. i have no well of energy. posted in a shared server after it sent poetry there. we cant both be tsunderes. maybe i should nap. i dont know why interacted in that server. but i feel stupid. i hate emotions. ugh.

sex is something i do to get people to like me.

sex is something i do to get people to like me.

went to friendhouse, hungout with val. talked about dnd. exciting. sad that t-dawg will leave soon.

i have four hours of sleep, and beer and weed in me. and i am mad. im mad about margo. im mad about the end of the world. im mad that i have one hundred and forty dollars to my name. i am mad about a lot.

things i want to say.

"sometimes it felt like i was expected to be a man".

"i am sad about everything ever".

im on a whimcord adjacent server vc.

on the way to friendhouse in val's car.

thorn/margo, i doubt you read these anymore. but if you do please skip this one.

fell asleep late, was in many vcs. oooh well. got four hours of sleep, what delirium!!!. anyway. showered and then went to W's dissertation defense, then went to another part of CU. had food and wine and good conversation, i will record a voice message later. i feel like i was used and then discarded by thorn and it sucks. ugh. i am sad. and mad. had a good conversation with val about tjorn stuff. and then went and visited chloe and talked about robots. oh also went with W, S, and A and got a flight of beer and it was yum. talked to waiter and i missed working. i feel like trust was broken by thorn. and i dont know what to do about that. i dont know how to say "what you did hurt me despite the fact i didnt communicate that was something id like communication about, i feel like shit, it felt like a betrayal. i dont want possession over you but i want to be your girlfriend". that's what i figured out by talking with val. i am scared. i am not sure if i love it anymore. thinking about it calling me "a little shit" makes me sad. i hate thinking about this. i hate it. i am so so so tired. all the time. i hate this existence and it's unsustainable.

saw some teens harassing (?) an old homeless man outside a seven eleven val stopped at to get gas. it made me sad. i shouldve said something.

i thought that if i didnt explicitly say "let us be partners" or worked out comforts and limits then it would be fine. i was wrong. i want to cry. val is talking about electrical instruments and goth music.

it's nearly two. (when i started writing this).

didnt get to bed by ten tonight or last night. hate myself. joined vc with Maeve, talked about the paat. today i painted, wokeup at eightish. watched planes videos. read a bit of dm guide. didnt clean, well maybe cleaned. painted erotic art. vc'd with S, C, and R. it was fun. was drunk. talked about ttrpgs and stuff. was fun. engaged in kinks i wish i didnt have. oh well. ate cheesecake. need to walk and exercise more. talked to G. being a girl is hard. drinking water rocks. wrote encounters for planescape game. 

sexuality is weird. didnt talk to thorn today.

i am, a thing. oh well. focusing on gaming.

(wrote this yesterday but it didnt send).

bed by ten.

got up at eleven after hanging out with val. fell asleep at four. got up at twelve maybe. watched slop. i jerked off a lot today and painted an old study of mine. talking to margo. dad and sister went to watch the odyssey. i am full of sadness and maybe anger?. i want to paint a woman cumming on a figurine. listening to john cale. i will clean. existing is so hard. feathered thing. borderline last night. purged all love maybe. maybe. i am tired and been tired all day. maybe tomorrow will be better (no it wont). i am nothing at all haha. like a ditto. whatever the copying pokémon is. therapy and job. i hate myself and the world and love it too. im so ordinary. 

Japanese Whiskey.

thorn/margo dont read this one.

went to picnic. talk with M. went to friendhouse. talked with Rose about DnD. fucked up in a way. maybe i should return to private entries for awhile or not record. im not sure i love thorn anymore. i dont know if i ever loved it but it's the middle of the night. i dont think it's love if i dont want the things that would give it the most happiness. i love how it smells but thats not love. this feels like how every love ive had collapses. i dont think im deserving of love, im not really a person am i?. dad got me takis and new paints today. went to hangout with Val and Tara. went to grocery store and i am sleepy. got up at eleven today i think. i think i called foura today. he is sad about his breakup and i understand. talked to thorn. i think. that after today im not really not message it. i know i said that yesterday but truly i dont think me messaging it is good for either of us. i want to isolate and do erp and work a job that lets me get vegan cheesecake. my writing is suffering from not reading. i have wasted my life and will continue to. tomorrow i am gonna clean my room and stuff maybe. oaugh. im weird. G sent me some great writing. i went to a birdhouse view show in the past few days and crashed at Robyn's and that was a mess.

why is the night?.

up late watching doctor who. went to bed. out of house at ten twenty or something. get to picnic at 1:30. say hi to mandy. find clothes. awkward time with thorn. idk. we talked about things and went and got good times. it felt obligated to have sex last weekend. ive been dead. talked to winter. talked to Lindsey today and last night. idk. talked about complex things with thorn. it's weird!!!. went to church yard. went out and friendhouse to hangout with val. drunk and bought whiskey. touched myself to feral horse art on the bus. im weird. im scared. it was awkward conversation with margo and im scared and why does ketzel dislike me?. aaaaaaaough. i want to be a little girl :(.

doctor which.

went to show, then went to Robyn's, today watched seventh doctor with her, last night went and got sandwich, yay, im gay. age regressed a bit today. need to do things. im gay. went back home. takis yummy. need a job.

a quick one before the eternal worm devours denver.

yesterday got up at friend house after karoke and karaoke was a blast. wrote a poem about it. ruby cried. sitting outside. bed at four or so. wokeup, watched shaolin soccer or something. went home and that was fine i guess. ill be honest i dont remember too much of tuesday. today i do remember. i wokeup, helped sage install swamp cooler. watched videos about dnd planes. went out to hangout with crescent, it was alright. brought Games. hungout, watched mouth silence amv. not too memorable. oh yes on tuesday i met a very nice girl on f-list and rp'd a bit. cute character. i should write more tomorrow. gonna go photograph a show i think.

karoke.

ONE WEEK.

I THINK THATS A GREAT SONG.

WOKE UP AT ELEVEN. AND YEAH. YEAH. DOCTOR WHO AND JERKING OFF. THIRD DOCTOR WHO. I DIDNT JERK OFF TO JON PERTWEE. I LOGGED ON TO F-LIST. JERKED OFF TO THE TABOO IIRC. MAYBE. I REALIZED I CAN DO ELDER SCROLLS ERP. HUNGOUT WITH MINBIN. MADE A NEW ERP CHARACTER. SHARJI SIRANAI. SHES AN EVIL KHAJIIT ALCHEMIST. I WAS LATE IN LEAVING. VC'D WITH MARGO WHILE GOING TO THE BUS STOP. IT WAS TAKING A TEA BATH BECAUSE IT GOT PARASITES FROM MY GRASS. I WENT ON THE FF1 AND BEAUTIFUL TRANSGENDER DRIVER. POSTED ABOUT THE FOOL'S GOLD LOAD ON LEX. TALKED TO DRIVER. THEN GOT CAB TO FRIENDHAUS. DRANK ALCOHOL, RUM.AND COKE. THEN KARAOKE. IN ROOFIE CHARIOT WE WENT. KARAOKE. SANG ZEVON AND THEN MACHINE LOVE WITH RUBY. BACK HOME. WEEE. NOW HANGING OUT WITH CASSIE, lily, AND ROSE. WOW.

"take care of my socially anxious son that i fucking hate".

wokeup, margo was there. it had tea and i had iced coffee and we played backgammon which was fun. last night me and thorn smoked a cigar and looked at the stars and then later had hot gay sex where i called it mom and it called me a little shit and fucked me violently and we pawed off together. it came on m-fops' face. it is so beautiful and i love it so much. that was maybe the best sex ive had. it put a cigarette out on me too. i love it. it was scary and hot. 

we listened to very good music. Taxxon. i liked being pathetic and small for it.

we played backgammon and it won. was gonna go to boardgame night but thats next week. we cuddled and i pawed off, it was so pretty. last night i got so small and started calling it mom and then it forced me down to worship it. i walked with thorn to the bus stop. it got a cool new bag. i kissed it goodbye and have started casually calling it mom. i then age regressed for a bit after mommy left, i wasnt a good maid today but i did get really small and cute. and i watched good soviet cartoons :). i love my mommy/mate because she is so pretty and smart and creative!!!. i want to be her little girl for forever. i like listening to her and she wants me to make her proud. but uh uh yeah i got small just like now.

im eepy. 

watched the first episode of new who.

then called ve and watched Ncuti Gatwa episodes of doctor who and some were good. 

talked to Crescent when i was small.

hungout with val and oshina. went wandering about. need to write more about it. cu campass. whatever the word is. then at their place we performed a ritual to put a mouse spirit at rest.

then val drove me home and we watched a cum town bit.

started watching orge girl manga.

oh yeah oshina and val helped a guy replace a tire. the night is a wonderful world.

it was a fantastic day.

i want to hug my mommy because shes so pretty and soft and nice to me.

im goad that situation with my mom is doing better. heheje mountain goats playing. goooodnight. more writing tomorrow.

im so glad i get to exisy...

weird that radioactive was written by imagine dragons and not fall out boy.

lets see yesterday. i got up and watched stone ocean until (SPOILERS) F. F. died i think. i got back into my twitter account at somepoint last night. wait. no, stone ocean was Thursday. i also helped C have ego death, that was fun fun fun. then got picked up by Val, we then went to pickup books. then went and got Oshina. went to friendhouse and played magic the gathering. fall asleep at like four or three am. tired as fuck. then that day. wokeup and uh uh, oh hm. well eventually thorn got to friendhouse, was there for a few minutes. went to Robyn's party and a lot happened and. yeah. this all ended with us getting a ride from Val and Oshina back to Boulder. Margo fell asleep in the closet. wokeup at twelve. just made pasta. i age regressed in the back seat last night. i think. age regressing again would be cool. i am talking with thorn. it said "i think i do love you still but need time" or for it to return. i dont remember the exact words. it made me both sad and happy. wah. 

Crepuscular Creatures.

"like a city where many beings, alone and distant from me, move and murmur with a destiny heaven no longer knows," - The City by Jaime Sáenz

We bike as the sun sets, the road seems long, longer than usual, flying pass the trees, in an hour the pollen moves in waves as we return for home, it looks like the sea to us, the ocean millions of years ago once lived here and it returns now and then. A poet once called The City a forest of tents. A city can only ever truly feel like a city at that crepuscular moment and when the moon hangs in that dark scarlet sky. That is to say it requires the lights to be on to be a city. Thousands of places with lights, all these buildings have ancestors in the humble tent which the nomadic bands had setup each night. Our world has forced a grand many to return to that life against their will by our number of crimes of letting the work/war machine run wild. This time these bands are nomadic not in search of better lands but rather to avoid the searing eye of the army-state, America ceases to have any better lands now anyway. As soon as fine leather shoes set foot in a town with cheap rent it is over. Those leather shoes wish Mu would appear not to see what new urban worlds it would hold but simply to have another empty luxury condo. I pass by these crepuscular creatures, mourners leaving a cemetery at dusk. We watched a shabbat synagogue service today, in the end they uttered the mourner's Kaddish for those who had recently departed for the unknown elsewhere of our universe, if there is an elsewhere. If the Greek legends really were true we can only believe that now there is a bus idling near the Styx highway [as the sun forever sets], boat long gone. The encounter with the naval crossing like that now lives on in a few places, canal cities, forests of boats. 

As we welcome the Queen we also say farewell once more, there would be less of these if the world let these nova nomadic bands come to a rest in homes currently held as gambling chips. The world is Vegas for a select few now, holding cut up parts of the urban landscape as gambling chips, able to go and see Buddy Holly's hologram sing any night they want. But these high rollers of the globalized world still feel like the rest of us, empty hollow people. You see men like Bezos fire themselves so high to try to get any emotion out of themselves. It was always Vegas, now it just looks more and more like Vegas. Vegas merely offered the American the experience of what the American Noble would've been. Las Vegas is a crepuscular city, meant to be viewed in dying light, meant to be viewed in Raoul Duke's car speeding through the night on the strip. [It's a city that is forever dying, forever collapsing in on itself, forever struggling to die to let something new be born].

We do not talk enough about the crepuscular, the nocturnus, and the gallicinium. Or their spaces. [Those alleyways and bars and city streets that seem only to exist there in that eternal yet fleeting moment]. History takes place in the day, tragedy and comedy are most at home in the night. Plays of the most tragic and comedic kinds should take their captives in during the day and release them into the night air, releasing them fully changed. These captives of theater must be told "Thou" by the actors, to have that relation of recognition if theater is to survive this century. And moreover if humanity wishes to survive and not perish in the desert there must be that I-Thou relationship. An era of post-historical man would be an era of I-It, no it would be worse than that, it would be It-It. [An era where no one would even be able to recognize themselves, they would not even have the ability to recognize anything, the macbine age taken to its apex].

Actors and theater people are crepuscular creatures, organs struggling to break the machine-beasts apart and have a wild beast full of Joy. Restaurant workers are natural friends of actors, people used to waking before the dawn and leaving to rest once again only after the sun has been gone from the sky for hours. Robby Müller, Fryderyk Chopin, and Jaime Sáenz are some of the few artists ever able to fully capture this rare nocturnal aura, the moon lit expanse inviting endless possibilities. 

Streets seem longer at night, the world itself seems to invite you to embark on a journey. Those impressive Cities call out to you, to wander off into the night and become a midnight gyrovague. Cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Las Vegas have a draw to them, they seem endless, both in their urban space and their time, they suggest that night can be eternal there. At night in these cities there seems always to be a place that is still open. Those diners and bars where writers and actors spend their nights, always on a lookout for shadows of monsters of their own creation. Artists are naturally depressed people, a reaction to a world which is trying always to kill them or hollow out their art. 

With us being near Denver it always calls out to us. Cities, they have that draw, a magnetic force for lonely souls. We wandered once with two wild souls, cultists and artists of that old type, flying across the glacis. There are people like that who are meant to be nomadic, bands of autistics sharing words and wonder. That was the night we first tried weed, the return home on that bus that recalls the image of a plane felt surreal, to be with wild people is an art. We do not entirely recall what we and them talked about, far-off towns and lands, experiences of a world that is rapidly disappearing from memory. That night can only be viewed through Robby Müller's lens for us, the lights of the night seemed to be alive and wandering with us too. We wandered through history itself, old buildings, eras crashing together like ships. That was one of our first experiences of being at presence in the world I think, or at least one of the first times being alive with people who you can call friends. There's always death and desire in Denver, that is what happens with human places. Wandering in a forest of tents, lights, and souls is perhaps what humans were meant to do.

The phrase "nightlife" would have been impossible for most of the Christian world before technology had dragged night out of its den. Paul Virilio with a Catholic view bemoans a supposed unnatural turn in time with a creation of technoculture day¹, my view of time differs here, for us nightfall is the start and end of the cycle. We welcome the Queen in with Friday nightfall and she leaves us once more with her crepuscular departure in a day. That crepuscular moment is brimming with activity and energy, the old day has ended and the new one begins. The Jewish nightlife is different entirely from the Secular Christian nightlife which seems to be invested with a Capitalist and Caffeine fueled invention. Secular time ends its day at midnight when no one is suppose to be observing it, an event that is impersonal, with this definition of a day it is no wonder that the technocultural day has spun out of control. Night for us remains personal, you can see with your own eyes as a new day begins, [an ocean that moves in and out of time], for us of course that crepuscular moment would be in limbo, night is not death, it is simply another world for us to explore.

¹ Landscape Of Events, Chapter One, The Big Night.

Written June 2022.

when i was 23 or so i let a transgender filipina berate me and generally tear me down emotionally.

shes doing better now. she lived with her brother who csa'd her iirc. but i dont know why i let that happen, why i stood by for a year and let a girl say i was a piece of shit or something. it was a weird time. i just kinda exist.

cumming on figurines.

woke up at belén's after watching stone ocean until two am or so. 

tomorrow i will apply to jobs.

we got up at ten forty or so. i hungout with her for awhile, got up and watched the first episode because we started at the eighth last night. it was a long night. we also finished bocchi. it was good to see belén again. we got chicken and donuts and ate well. made her roommate read Kimberly Johnson. belén has a figurine of Jolyne Cujoh. me and belén cuddled, it was alright. it wasnt truly heavenly but i did like it. i have a deep loneliness and i always will, nothing will make me feel truly close to another woman. i got thinking about figurines and cumming on them, thinking about thrix. set up some polls "pro, anti, or huh" about cumming on figurines in discord servers. then made a google form for it. here are the results from fifty three people. 

i bus'd back home because wasnt sure if ok to say hi to girls at friendhaus because didnt get a message back. 

i talked to belén's roommate and liked talking to her. she gave me a doctor pepper. i saw a box of pepsi on top of a trash can, not open or anything. what was the deal there.

belén drived me to union station. hugged goodbye. shes moving out of her place soon. back to family.

dad picked me up from table mesa, had to move sage's things to backseat. got home and vc'd on wh1mcord with various girls including S and C. played risk of rain two with S, it was fun. 

later i jerked off. well first i posted on lex and added on discord a girl who was pro cumming on figurines. i jerked off, at one point i positioned m-fops as if she was smelling my balls and was imagining that she was me. 

how can i get more energy.

just had a bismarck.

after jerking off watched more stone ocean. now on vc with val. 

i wish i had came on her face, it wouldve been cute. i understand plushie fucking now. i think i will cum on m-fops' face next time. d1rty l1ttle slvt she is. 

i absorb what i like from others. i have no self.

talked with thorn a bit today.

idk man, what am i doing. i cant sit around and let life pass me by. 

belén passed out last night as was watching stone ocean. 

shes a cute girl. 

women find me hot and i dont understand it most of the time. i need to get on injections. 

i need a living kind of life.

i shouldve written a poem about jerking off and cumming on anime girl figurines.

i wrote a poem yesterday that i think is good and isnt really about recent events.

it uses a line from mew's poetry.

i did some ink brush art last night. 

i am unsure what to do. the summer is a curse. 

sweaty. 

i think i understand why some girls like being hurt right now.

i understand many things. 

i dont think me and thorn are really getting back together, it doesnt see relationships that way and i feel like a child. i am the scaffolding that other women build themselves on, im like if training wheels were a girlfriend. 

thats negative self talk. i should be happy to exist. i should be happy to be here. i should be happy to cum on a plushie's face.

maybe i will become a true freak. i want to be hurt because i think i deserve it now. i wish i had a different life. what am i. whats happened to me. i gotta rebuild myself. i am. a thing that exists and idk what to do with that.

im not sure when ill be able to hangout with thorn again, if ever.

it will be fine. i will be fine. there are people who have worse lives. 

im gonna watch more anime, shower, and then passout probably. 

a breath of clear air.

you know, hearing about someone who is a complete and utter Loser after a relationship fell apart makes me want to be more, actually normal. 

man im embarassed about that two week crashout. saying "oh i have trauma about people leaving me and not talking or communicating or exiling me" is true but also so lame. 

anyway hanging out with belén, finished bocchi and had a good shake and it's good to see her.

but yeah i feel like a child with these emotional issues. like oh a person wants to be independent thats freaky, haha shutup and deal with it slvt. 

kuvo jazz.

when i was with it last it didnt ever look at me with love. just like i am a friend, or something similar. i know thats just one time and a stressful time but i really dont know if it will ever love me again. or rather i dont know if it has the ability to love me anymore. i broke the underlying cracks. it smells too cleaning chemical in here. 

listening to the partisan on the toliet.

i do feel like i cant be a person without love. i cant be a person unless i have someone who loves me. i cannot face the wastes of life alone. 

"the frontiers are my prison".

im sorry thorn. i loved you and love you in a way that you can never return. 

i could only order a coffee shake.

i am sorry i am a snake. im sorry i was scared and tried to eat you.

looking for a therapist.

i have not done much today, woke up at eight forty or so. first thing i did was respond to þorn's response to my message from last night. i never consciously processed that the hot dog restaurant downtown is named "mustard's last stand". 

lol what.

but yeah im trying to not message þorn for awhile because i feel too desirous of it and affection and closeness. and i havent really properly had time to experience what it's like being apart from þorn and not be worried about being exiled or hated or something coming to an end. 

i got up and i watched doctor who. lots of peter capaldi episodes. i told myself id clean and find a therapist. havent done the first. im not even sure how id start, i have too much stuff. i need to have an app blocker on my phone again. was up late watching doctor who. probably fell asleep at two which is annoying. 

i think so much of my desires were maybe tied up with þorn and the question it (and i) wants answered is what does tetra want?. which im truly not sure. shaved a bit and was on vc with L&D while they watched the world cup. going to go spend time with belén. 

on the way to bus and on the 205 i was looking at therapists in boulder. found one who looks promising but unsure if shes chill with trans people. she went or is going to naropa though so i kinda assume she probably is. do i want burgers?. eh maybe. i might just want carrots. didnt brush my teeth last night, dang. 

i feel like im having to pick myself up and decide what to do with my life which. i feel like ive been avoiding while also stressing. 

i did send thorn messages after 9:30 which was breaking one of my personal rules but also i knew i wasnt gonna be talking to it for a couple days. ill probably message on friday to see if it's going to picnic. is there an upcoming picnic?. i feel like more seperate things. parts ordinated therapy seems interesting.

hard to convey that these cars werent moving but was afraid we were gonna be in a traffic jam but nah smooth cruising. 

maybe tonight ill apply for that cashier job or at least look over resume. 

im not a fan of lying but ill probably have to lie. 

theres probably online tutorials on being a cashier and operating the technology.

i need to figure out how to read poetry again. 

i miss the spring. in this moment i dont miss þorn which is good. 

i think im continuing to work on this entry because otherwise ill have to put the phone down and look out the window and think or try to read.

i tried reading Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day on saturday but it's a romance and that all felt too fresh.

if i dont plug my phone in it will be in the yellow zone.

it is so hot today. i need to start injections soon.

i think. ill message it when i have my room actually kinda cleaned and vacuumed along with my bathroom looking good.

oaugh. im so tired.

im so eepy. im trying to not talk to thorn for a bit because im just. too eager. im worried ill hurt it again. or that im making it uncomfortable. i think about how i feel around my sister, how im tense and afraid. i have repressed my entire life and im barely functional because of it. 

today i played skyrim and watched doctor who and that was it. vc'd a bit with mithos. belén wants me to visit before she moves back in with her dad. i think i will. 

i want to hold and be held.

i got a lot to work through.

car seat headrest and david duchovny.

i dont understand this new world i am in. i dont understand it at all. i dont know what is happening. i want to say "i want to rest my head on you". but that would be scary. i want to be trustworthy again. as in i both want to have the things that do make me trustworthy and be seen that way. im thinking about sex. idk. having sex with anyone besides it seems kinda dull tbh. 

today i mostly played skyrim and also risk of rain two. i completed bleak falls burrow. then went to the throat of the world or whatever, helped find a ladys corpse, and cleared out a tomb. this run im not fast travelling which is gonna be interesting. 

tomorrow i want to clean up my room and read, maybe read poetry. 

i am a strange girl. 

this doesnt seem like depression, more like just a rest.

vc'd with mithos and watched old doctor who.

not a usual relationship.

idk man this isnt a normal relationship i had. today didnt feel like a breakup. it didnt really feel like any futures were being cut or foreclosed. saw a tweet that says "not to be a faggot but something that sucks about breaking up with someone is that there's like a microcosm of things you can no longer share. a subset of the world that would remind u of the person that you now just have to hold onto urself" but. it doesnt feel like that. it feels like i messed up and thorn is disappointed in me but still cares about me and wants me to be better because i guess it still loves me maybe. idk. each of us withholding affection in the worry of slipping back into the old habits. wanting to breath. it doesnt feel like a relationship in the way humans say relationship. it feels unnamable. but i am a foolish poet. i. i need to say love you less even though it's true. i dont want it to be uncomfortable around me. it feels like a pause and something better might bloom.

hanging out.

i miss talking to penny. i miss talking to rivet. got to talk to penny today. hi penny. i am using this blog like how i used to use twitter.

im probably plural kinda but im unemployed so im not gonna, wait actually this is probably the best time to figure it out.

THORN DONT READ THIS ONE PLEASE. I AM WRITING IT AT ONE AM. or you can read it idk haha ha yeah.

i miss thorn :(. i loved existing with it. and i dont know where to go from here. i want to be its mate again i think, im not certain that is true. maybe i want that because it's what ive known. but. regardless idk if that can ever have that closeness with it again. but. also it was only really one headmate fronting during that time. i like knowing things about it. i like taking care of it. i felt like i was doing something good and holy i think when i took care of it. idk. i cant really. imagine. being too seperate. i am scared but i am tired. i wish i was stronger. i wish i was more wild. i feel like there is nothing in this world. i am so tired. i just need to wait and feel this out. i am so uncertain. being with it feels correct. but i am desperate for meaning. i am a fox. i want to passout. 

watched doctor who with ve and it was a truly stupid episode. ve said it was the worst episode she had ever seen. 

after the talk we got burger.

we went out and got burgers and had an ice cream float. i cried and told it the things i love about it. i dont know whats happening or whats gonna happen. i rested upon it and felt good. i showed it interplanetary. i am thinking a lot of thoughts. i want to have sex with the world. by that i mean everyone. it played a cool rhythm game. i wasnt sure what to do. as in wasnt sure to go to art night, to robyns or home. went home and played skyrim. i want to hug thorn. and rose. and lily. hell even mithos. i want to talk to rivet. i want to talk to marcie. i want to talk to catherine. 

i am so used to being left and discarded and being too much. 

i wanna work another shift with matty. 

i want thorn to hit me so i know it loves me.

i am not sure if what i said is the truth. i am not sure if i want animal or human sort of relationships.

can i feel love?, what is love?. 

ve says love is an intuitive feeling. 

i have a life filled with the trauma of people exiling me and i dont think thorn understood that. and thought that me acting like that for the past two weeks was. me being mad that i didnt have access to it. rather than, just having fears brought to the surface. remembering sadie exiling me. rivet saying that she didnt want to be friends. remembering lina saying im evil.

i could perfectly have two weeks not talking to thorn. i wouldnt like it but i could do alright with it. it is just the terror of uncertainty. i know it wouldnt exclude me. but that primal fear exists so heavily. i am eating eggplant and it's good. 

what is a mate?.

i really dont know if i have ever felt romantic attraction. it seems different. i guess to me a mate is someone i want to understand but also i want to provide for and provides for me. well, i want to provide for all my friends so whats the true seperation?. i guess. uhhh. a friend who i am always able to come back to, someone who i dont tire of. 

Sincerely Yours,

the conversation happened. it's.

i dont know fully. i talked about the things i wanted to. i got to exist with þorn. we gonna get sandwiches soon. it's just laying down for a rest. talked about repressed anger. change, i was holding it back from changing because of my fear of being discarded and just existing to help women to get to a better state. i think i like how it has changed. i love it still. 

i think. we could have a relationship again. it said i needed more closer friends.

and that it was tiring of the relationship because it felt like it couldnt get me to be open with it. talked about sex and stuff.

i really did traumatize it but. we can work through that together. or it can work through it alone or with other entities. 

we got together and felt close and there wasnt us. digging deeper and deeper into eachother.

we didnt communicate. and oh how we needed to.

it wanted us to be equals but i wanted to be a servant. and shouldnt have done that.

it all happened quite fast. or well. it happened at a slow rate. it happened at the pace it needed to. 

i shouldve more expressed actual desires and been explicit. 

i still do feel like it understands me most of all. and. i want to understand it in a full and beautiful way without being possessive.

og thorn is here.

unsreal.

unreal. it is there. i dont know. i cant see its eyes. i need water i think. getting water. i dont know if i can make words.

entry point.

the point, door is open. messaged thorn but it hasnt seen it i think. i feel like collapsing. i am scared. 

how do i make big text. i am calmer maybe. we will see when i see þorj. i am stressed out.

running entry. headphones on and sincerely yours playing. idk why but thought would be housesitting a different apartment. how often does this lady go away. dog-sitting. idk if i can make words woth this mouth. i dont know. i am a scared animal too. why was i like that all. is this me acting. i always am afraid of acting. or that i am acting. better at alllll. this is a song about you. it's just like every song before.

another entry.

ok how to calm down. i shouldve brought water. i dont actually know if this is the ten or fifteen now. i think i saw the ten, no. idk idk. i will have to keep more active lookout at everything. keep checking my map. i could try asking the driver but i am too panicked and she is busy. 

seven eleven. 

thats too dark. i need an actual camera. twenty three minutes untile twelve. do i message Ruckus or Þorn when i get there?. i am likely to be a rambling mess but i want to be. quiet until talken to. i dont want to be. why did i press backspace and correct a sentence there. i was originally gonna type "mess but i dont want to be rambling mess", maybe?, u forget. i backspaced and added a question mark. when am i correcting this document. maybe i am all acting this. a play of pitt. pity. i asked an old lady if this was the ten or fifteen. she said fifteen. she popped her earpuds out. earbuds. ok well thats one thing solved. i wish i was listening to the words. i cough. prints this all put and puts it in a book. out. not put. i am. afraid. of everything. ever. maybe i should retastted restart the album. i love you þorn. i really so. i might have to hand this blog to you in a bit if i am too panicked. are you really ok with this?, do you all need more time and space?. i feel like i need to do more archelpgy of the self. but i also think id never be quite ready. i hurt you a lot because of my jeapulsy and not communicating and you dont deserve that. i am so sorry, i want to be better and ensure that never happens again. i know the normal language around dating doesnt really work with us because we are weird but i really hope that you take me back. i want to be better, not just address the intintal issue point but. initial. i want to be better and know you better and listen better. layeffete. i was coasting. i felt alright that i was doing a good enough job, well i wasnt, but i want to do a great job. well, job is the wrong word. you probably would object to that language. it's not a labor, it's an effort. i dont know how to encapsulate the feeling. but i want you all to . pulled the string. gonna get out soon. thank you. i will say thank you to the driver. i cant run away. waiting. out of the bus. i said thiank uou. but. i want to never hurt you or scare you again and i want to make it so that i am the best possible partner mate that i can be. the sum. sun. maybe i shouldve eatej more and yeah. but. i have felt like i might throw up. i am showing up in a scared unprepared state. i dont know if i can physically talk. geavy breathing. i am stumbling around it feels like. cara cars coming by. i remember a girl named kara i went yo school with. just another block and a half. i am so scared. i dint want to udealize you ot anything. i idealized too many of my partners. i dont think i idealized you but i could know you all better. i am scared. terrfied. why why why. i am so sorry. i want to make it better. listening to sincerely yours on tepeat. the sun bears down on me. beats, not bears. some leaves are changing. maybe thats just how that paricutlar tree is. saw a yellow leaf on the ground and i think i saw the tree it came from. ok i am here. i will message you. i will.

Loss_point.

i am on my way to Denver to talk with þorn. today i woke up at seven thirty. i had a dream where i was with the girls of friendhouse and at the end they excluded me i think. the dream involved a thanksgiving meal situation. there was more to the dream. at the end i saw þorn hugging someone and i got sad that þorn might never hug me in that way again. i finished watching a video about the prehistory of tamriel. had tea and took my meds. had an apple and part of a pistachios croissant. i am hungry but too worried to have an appetite. i am so worried that i will get there and þorn will already have its mind set on the outcome of us no longer being together. dad drove me to table mesa and while waiting for the bus i talked to Scarlet about their new job and the world being cruel to children. and how i am going to go meet þorn. on the bus i sat and stared out the window while listening to the first three or four songs on Grapefruit by Bałtyk. by the time you get to Sheridan Station a lot of nature gets blocked off from view. so began writing this. nearly to Union Station now. i have my stuffie Games with me. and my laptop. plus some apples. i have ginger candies in my jumpsuit breast pocket in the hopes that þorn checks it. i also messaged with Robyn about it all. this was earlier. i really love the song Sincerely Yours, and it stabs me. i saw a man reading a book with a cover that used that one drawing of a man peeking out of the universe, it's from the 1600s i think. maybe 1500s. i feel nauseous and am almost crying. i feel as if i am walking into a death, an ending. last night i had the absolutely sure feeling that þorn will dump me. Cirrus told me that þorn has been on discord and so i assume þorn has seen me crashing out and changing profile pictures and names and unfriending it and then sending a friend request and cancelling that. i havent done something like that in ages. in these last two weeks it has felt like i have regressed (but not in an age regressor way but just interpersonal and self skills). i feel as a mess. i am sitting in the bus hall of union station. was gonna take the fifteen but it's gonna be late so i guess gonna get the ten instead. i am talking to my russian furry friend and i want to talk to her and in her server more. i want to be friends with people from everywhere. i just have to face this. i feel like i might have a picnic attack. meant panic attack. lol picnic attack. but no fr i am already kinda afraid of having a breakdown or panic attack. i might just write until i get there but i want to listen to Grapefruit. i hope the talk goes well enough that we can go to art night together. nevermind, the fifteen came. i saw an old man wearing a shirt of an ai generated asian toddler and a mask hanging from his ear with another one. ok, new entry. Méribel make another entry and post this one.

Back To The Radio.

everything you know is being packed into boxes.

i am packing myself into a container

and i am watching a video feed of lovers fighting.

spin this baton, hit the mug and crack it.

i am no boxes

i am full of boxes

holding challah and statues of farm animals

neatly arranged temples and potions 

photos of elvis and photos of you

an endless track and beautiful knives

frozen dough and pitchers of unknown liquor.

today i got up and tried to sleep. i got six hours of sleep maybe. but wasnt returning to sleep. broke a promise to myself. i finished a game of interplanetary and what a fun awful game, a game about war. too many war games make the fascists love them. i am sitting in a memory of a bus of the rolling landscape. hungout with Q today, she picked me up at 3:20 or so. we went to time warp comics and we talked about figurines and warhammer and games and existence i think. art probably. about how i was trying to find something truly weird. i got Annie Oakley comics for fifty cents. we talked about comics i think, and where to go. i showed her Valium by The Felice Brothers afterwards, after the Annie Oakley Comics. we got Good Times because she had never been, she liked it. what a good shake. saw this on a car and just lol.

we sat and talked about what happened with me and thorn and my issues. i started talking about Vilém Flusser at somepoint. about how the self is made by the art we make. i am thinking about the music video for Jazz on the Autobahn. before Q picked me up i watched a Dime Store Adventures video about cryptids. what did we talk about on the way to comics?, i dont remember. what to do maybe?, yes probably. we went up to Chautauqua and i told her the long complex origins, we also talked about cowboys and the west and Annie Oakley. while walking up a hill we talked about the divine and the universe and everything, i wish i paid attention to what she was saying more, i was but i dont remember in actuality. i am tired and it's blurry. i undercut her comment about food being one of the rarest materials in the universe with an absurd hypothetical. i do that too much. i do that too much. she was right. i suggested "what if just outside the observable universe we found that we were surrounded by a hollow sphere of wood", this transformed over time into talking about what if all the advanced civilizations are just doing wood working and jewellery making. what if the first aliens we meet are the equivalent of ham radio guys and they are mad at us because we are using a specific band that is reserved for something specific?. what if they dont care about us because we havent gotten to a point where we can all pursue the arts?. oh yes, Q was talking about names and their origins and how beautiful the world is. it's such a beautiful world indeed. walking up a hill took a lot of energy and i need to do it more. i am a weak f∆gg0t. i feel like i talked too much, i felt like i talked too much. she said she didnt mind and was a listener. talking about an absurd hypothetical with a woman that likes listening made me remember talking about elf lifespans with thorn. what if everything goes back to normal but i am simply too out of practice?. 

Robyn offered to hangout after the talk. Q is going to a rodeo tomorrow. i had a coffee milkshake and she had cookies and cream, i had a bean burger and she had a burger called big daddy. lol nearly wrote bug daddy. 

talking to W and i wish fae would transition. i do like talking to her and i think if she was on estrogen would be more. willing to open up maybe i guess. i am tired and i am wanting to exist around another person for awhile. well, im wanting to be around Thorn. i am a creature. talking to Q was helpful. she talked about her own relationship and her experience with estrogen taking and complacency. 

i wish the world was kinder to girls. 

i wish to eat some wild and fresh and juicy. i want to be a strange thing.

i talked about comics i love. 

i saw this statue in Denver. it is suppose to be in a different direction. idk why blogger keeps doing that. 

i am a passing by thing maybe. i am a singing sobbing thing. or rather i want to be a singing sobbing thing. or the ability to at least. it's so hard for me to cry.

i need to let myself feel.

i am so anxious about this conversation. i felt sick earlier. i felt just, i dont have the words. i need to sleep soon so i can get the bus and be there in time to talk to Þorn. i want to sit on the floor and not talk with it but in the postive sense. i think i will let it make the first word. i am nothing.

it is 10:09 and i think this will be the breakup.

i can think about looking into its eyes and seeing sadness and no longer trusting me. we might be able to have this entire talk without saying a word. we might end up crying. my storage space on my phone is running low. it's been awhile since that happened. bang bang went frankies gun. he shot me down. 

i truly do not know what is going to happen. i am not sure. i want to know if it has had enough space or if it needs more time.

you can download mario and take him wherever you want with him.

i want to show W this entry but fae would get paranoid and afraid someone would use it to find them  probably. 

there are poems written in grenades and missiles. 

there are new kinds of songs out there. there has got to be.

i watched The Witchtakers episode of Doctor Who. i guess i am getting back into Doctor Who. i saw a mtg pack for Strange New Worlds, the fucking Star Trek show that no one likes. 

time is a kind of molasses.

i have spent too much time watching videos this year. 

i think this app is lagging.

how do you dress to conversation like this.

i feel like i need a hat. 

a way to cure a drunk.

thorn once read out of a book that a way to cure a drunkard is to just keep giving him alcohol and keep him in a locked room until he hates alcohol. kinda did that with phone and video.

photos of me outside the bar.

i understand why women think i am pretty.

i had some sleepy thoughts.

but like a lot of sleepy thoughts they disappeared as i was getting ready for bed and brushing teeth. it was about thorn. i regret that was the first time it saw me truly truly animal. it's, i am afraid of hurting it again. i am always in a hurry and what for. life is long enough. life is good enough. i wish i could pick those thoughts back up. i get to be alive. i love it. and love isnt enough. i am not human, no, i am not animal enough. i am tired and saying whatever. i want to play with it. i thought i needed to be the maid but sometimes i should just be the fox with thorn, i shouldnt be constantly worrying about the future. i shouldnt be wondering if this is the best course. i should be able to hold someone i love and wakeup and exist. and not check my phone until ive been awake four or five hours. i am not wild in the way i want to be. 

i was so afraid that something i love would be taken away, that someone i love would be taken away. i have had a lot of things i love going away lately. Min-Bin is dying slowly. my grandmother is dying slowly. and i never got to really talk to her. i am angry and sad about these things. and i dont want to say goodbye to someone that understands me, that can look into my eyes and see what i feel. 

i try to be the one that provides but thorn never asked me to be. it just wants someone to play with. though i cant declare anything as what it truly is thinking. because, while i know it i dont understand it in the way i want.

i pondered the question of love deeply and what it is once, and i came up with the definition of "love is the desire to know the Other completely and utterly but knowing this is impossible and trying despite that".

i wish we could be animals in the glen that play and wrap around each other.

i am an animal too and i am no Orpheus for it is not my duty to bring my love from the depths into the world of the living. if it lets me then i get to exist with the single most interesting and fascinating and clever and creative animal that i have ever met.

unsent message.

breaking a personal rule of mine and sending a message to you& after 9:30 but, are you& sure you& ready?. because i heard you& said you& needed personal space and. 

i dont want you& to force yourself to do something that you& dont want for my sake. 

im also fearing that i havent done enough personal archeology to show up and have this conversation be what you& deserve.

getting a taxicab back to boulder.

the driver isnt interesting, she has a credit repair business and is listening to a podcast about tax and banking law in an earpiece, i can tell she isnt too into talking. might judge me for being a tranny. the furthest fare she took was to Cayenne Wyoming, a young woman.

today i wokup at six i think, early enough to see Shiv leaving. groggy and waiting for Whitney to wake, afraid to make my own coffee. i got five hours of sleep maybe. took some melatonin. existed with Lucy and thought id leave to go hangout with Robyn but she is occupied, or was. A left and asked if i wanted to go back with her. nice girl. still a mass. at somepoint thorn messaged me. before there was activity i watched slop, but took meds. i hope to. think more about this all tomorrow. im a stumbling bumbling girl. my neck hurt from sleeping on the couch. cleaned up only a little today, not enough to be named a maid. i am sleepy and listening to Grapefruit. i played Interplanetary, a game about fighting planets. i wish i did more with Lucy. she is a very nice girl slash princess. Shiv got back and then at somepoint i removed a wasp for her. went to the bar with Shiv, Lucy, and Whitney, others joined us. i got a Guinness. i think i creeped out a bartender. glanced at her breasts. i wish i looked and sounded like a woman. photographed on film and double exposure and i hope it turns out alright. i love being alive and i want to hold thorn. i miss it. i want to exist in silence with it. got a cab later. the driver is boring, well, no one is boring. just not talkative. tomorrow i will hangout with Q. i remember these roads i am passing by. i am glad i have my flawed family. i am always too anxious. i want to know thorn in a deep way i have never known anyone else. 

i want to read the annotated mina loy that thorn annotated. i was weak minded to find it distracting. i want to see its thinking. it's something i took for granted. i think i need to send another message. i hope i am not being too much of a drain on my friends. here we are, we are at the point again. i am a girl that needs to clean. i am a girl that needs to understand. the driver is playing the artist Jelly Roll and it sounds ai generated. i am a thing that stumbles and wanders. i would be happy with thorn even if we were both homeless. i worry too much. i saw a tweet that said "The classic Freud thing that perennial, seemingly sourceless anxiety is unconscious guilt over repressed anger is p valid I think" and i think that might be true. i need to not have repressed anger. theres a lot im angry at. the world is unfair and scary.

i am sad i became something scary to thorn. i might go to synagogue tomorrow. maybe. it's been awhile. the world is a wonderful olace and i am approaching home. well, it's not quite home. i havent found home but i had hoped i could find it with thorn.

im drunk,

but not drunk enough. it feels like me gushing about thorn is performative. but, i do miss it and love it. im with Shiv and Whitney and Lucy and other people at a bar. i had two drinks and one earlier. i want things to go back to the way it was before so i could message it "i wanna lay my head in your lap, i love you so much". because i do love it so much. and i say it until i wear it away.

when i was a kid my dad told me to tell people you love that you love them everyday and i have held onto that.

girl i encountered on grindr.

i miss the thorn :(. 

im at a bar and had something to drink.

an aside.

"A Hercules of a man: a Clark Gable of a man." - Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day.

the thing with awaiting a conversation is that you start trying to map it out, try to predict what the other person will say. this all collapses of course when you are face to face with someone you harmed, you can try to be a maid or explain but this will only get you so, i dont know the word, not far?, there?, it escapes me. maybe the word doesnt exist. at somepoint it starts being like a classic Hollywood flick, you start thinking about this Casablanca encounter. none of us are a Clark Gable of a anything. we are all that scared little rat like ancestor of humanity: Purgatorius. im anxious about my conversation with þorn. a week is maybe the longest time a four year old can conceive of, so what is two weeks?, that is multiple lifetimes. it has to be. two weeks is a long time, it really is. i tried to time travel by using youtube slop but that was just numbing as lead. poison. i dont know if i am ready. these creatures that we all are have difficulty finding mouths.

thorn messaged me.

im anxious. maybe i shouldnt have reacted with an emoji because it can get stressed out by that. but idk i wanted to show my appreciation. im anxious. i really hope we can work through stuff.

eight.

wakeup, bike to dentist, new hygienist who misgendered me because i hadnt shaved, go home, A calls me and asks if i want to go to Denver, shower and everything, go down to boulder station to meet up, takes awhile. swore i saw a friend from high school, well not friend exactly, she was in a groupchat that was named after how i wasnt in it. but i thought i saw her but it wasnt her. i went down to Denver with A on the bus, we sat in the back and she ate a sandwich, the plug wasnt working to charge my phone so powered it off and talked with A about relationships in general. saw the rolling landscape and the world is beautiful. next spring i will take bus rides where i do nothing but watch the landscape. talked with Ruckus about þorn stuff. later on when me and A were on the ten bus Bea messaged me about needing space which, i already assumed kinda, but, idk. i want B to continue being my friend but i do wish that she hadnt fucked thorn, idk. i dont get the concept of wanting to fuck people too much most of the time, in so many cases a nonsexual friendship is more rewarding. i just wish. that i had talked about stuff with thorn before all this. i guess i am too possessive. we went to shivhouse and, i kinda sat there when got there. i pulled out laptop and got to making music. went out later and got melatonin and ginger ale from grocery store. back here and cuddled with people and for that i feel weird. i always feel weird.

i think i am learning that maybe my relationship with thorn should end, i am not the best girlfriend for it and i dont know if i truly understand or know it in the way it deserves to be. but i dont want this to end. i want it to be better.

not really including the rest of the messages. but putting them here because idk... i guess in case you are reading this after receiving my message. 

it rained a lot briefly today and i was caught in it and usually id tell you about that but. you arent interested in hearing about shared weather or slightly different weather. i checked and it was raining in the mountains too when it rained in Boulder.

im proud of the music i made today. tomorrow i think R is going to inject me with estrogen. i hope the music captures this Orphic feeling. traveling north traveling north. talked to Lainey for a bit and i need to talk to her more. i should, not need. i want to listen to more Unwound. i am surrounded by friends and i still feel lonely. this shirt is slightly too tight but L says i look cute in it. 

maybe i can only make good music when it's about relationships collapsing. 

i am learning to accept that maybe things ending wouldnt be bad, maybe it's the best course of action. but i really hope we can figure something out.