ways of mourning.

i finished ways of seeing today. i thought about people i shouldnt be thinking about anymore. i thought about thought while at work. im stuck here. in the deli. i think about the ordinary nature of my life. im no longer man in exile. i have nothing to add to the canon. it's complete. postmodernity killed it. your eyes glaze over this. theyve seen it before. time escapes us because of capitalism. i am use to no home. to no habit. i must find a way to take my sorrows and transform them. i have projects i should finish. tension string hitches into high gear. 

Kaleidoscopic Thoughts.

Kaleidoscopic Thoughts.

sleepless delirium!, deli poem two.

damn those blades!

gnashing, tearing, render dead.

bloody gauze, cut to the bone.

club perverts, "ice spice?".

white bastards, misogyny banner carriers.

gallows flashgun,

push the hounds to the edges,

verse compulsion, silent voice,

ey you too are mad,

pull yourself along burning highways in metal coffins,

"she shys away from the menfolk".

ride it faggot, ride it good.

oracles and the fates on grindr,

school boy games, pull at her hair and strain her soul.

crossword dog laps at the hood,

bitter drink, soviet spies in america,

marcus rides backwards to canterbury,

"return to your woods men dark as louisiana nights,

still mirror lakes",

go into the valley of the sunless lands.

there you will find god drunk,

pink in the face, yelling, singing,

cut the index to the bone,

mason ring gripping.

thoughts break into six, 

refact and sting,

woodwinds whisper fatalist thoughts,

rats swarm her corpse,

rotting foul thing,

red lace, red lace,

dissociate at deli,

crypto fash coworker patriarchy touch,

think of dog whose roommate hates me,

the day ends…

and thought becomes one.

10/30.

work today. petit-bourgeois white gen x guy wasnt working today. M was, so was F. both closing. theyre good to close with. class was on zoom. watched tongues untied today. ive been thinking about the poem "the farmers bride". sex without connection doesnt make sense to me. someone who deserves it had an ax fall on them. drank fanta. had a cinnamon roll. i saw microfilm. i wanna use that. i wanna explore. didnt asked camera store trans guy about a part time position. still unsure if i want to. "i wish it was legal to throw bottles at cars", "why" asks the dishpit girl, "just have a general hatred towards them" i say. told C about eating a gummy off the road, got some ice cream mochi. got scans back for harmonys album art. yay. 

dog.

im a doggy. i cuddle with jayden.

makeout bong session. 

sexism. i bleat "sorry for the autism".

the situation. oh honey darling im sorry.

take enough to kiss. 

photo album slidefilm memories.

draw close, 

mumble nonsense words to me sleepily. 

text is a whole other piece/place.

slow.

im moving slowly. i hate the winter. i feel wrong. i had a meeting with the rabbi today. i got a camera today. i dont know what i can do to continue being alive really. im floating. im alone. i want to makeout with the roommate of someone who hates me. i want soup. i regret existing.

i saw the tv glow.

i saw the tv glow tonight, in the morning at class we talked about black radicals and the college kids didnt get it. they didnt get it. zoom on down, sling down two rolls of film at mikes camera store, the cashiers recognize me now, "scan and develop?" or is it "develop and scan?"?. regardless a roll of color, a roll of black and white. we had french toast this morning. my dad made it. the rolls contain pictures of miryam, she showed me valkyrie drive on sunday night. lesbian hentai!, what a concept!. swing by the old camera store, folding camera and lens found. tomorrow we go to the library, to the library i say, there we shall eat books. i read on vilém flusser today. 

recently had a dream where i saw a girl with her hands chopped off, no no, just her fingers, not stumps, but it was like cured meat, we were on the subway, metro in dc i think. she touched me and infection spread, it was a rash, syphilis, it was temporary she said.

oct.

im a dumbass who messes up and makes people dislike me. ah well.