i dont want to read sanderson.

hi there, i love you.

Last night I had gay sex which I regret for the fact that she had Maas and Sanderson on her bookshelf. she hypnotized me, and later i felt so very ugly in the way that we girls all feel. the hypnosis was beautiful however, i was her corpse. May is a month for regret and rebirth.

i had gone into denver to see the flowers play, which i did. and i hung around matty's. me and mary and dani went to an elvis diner which i must admit did not live up to my expectations. the toast was good but it simply lacked enough elvis.

my father is going to tear down a gate.

new pope is from chicago.

this takes five, ten minutes, maybe twenty at most to actually do.

why did i stop doing it. and music. and oil colors. 

the pigment was beautiful, and the oil smelled like nothing but it remembers.

i understand many things and never enough.

this is the lake of mind.

rose made some really good rice. i photographed many things. and tomorrow i am going to get many things developed. and clean. if you spend just a single solid day doing this then you can get through it.

and it will be done.

sleep deprivation is when i am a full fool and must then. well gee shucks. i guess i better repair the world. i should engage in more prayer.

i found a sir francis blake book that might be worth a lot, and i will maybe get swag bookstore credit. 

i am vcing with temperance and i miss the humid air of elsewhere.

may fourth.

get up, ursula in bed. we talked about the history of consseltiojs last night. we went out into the world. drop off at trident. fae needed to go nap. meet up with whitney and shiv. and then chloe. go hiking at ncar after wandering around. we go to cosmos. then chloes. skylar and aviv join. get home at 1:30. another beautiful day with the girls.

just before the 2024 election i saw a chudjak that told me nothing ever happens and i think that was some spirit laughing at me.

just before the 2024 election i saw a chudjak that told me nothing ever happens and i think that was some spirit laughing at me.

i think that we need to outlaw hardcore atheism. but also hardcore religion shouldnt be a thing. we need worldwide agnosticism or "i mean who gives a shit im doing my own thing idc if others think theres one or many gods. i occasionally pray to ancestor spirits and saw a ghost once but im mostly about making good quality clocks and learning about the history of board games". we need religious things to be chill. being really into religion should be seen as if you were really into collecting commemorative spoons and also bit people who didnt like the rolling stones. 

reflections.

in the cain's ballroom’s men’s bathroom i talked to a guy who said he was worried his penis was small, five inches. that is slightly above average. i told him this and to read deleuze to get better at sex. i dont know if the deleuze will help but it would be kinda funny. he asked me if i would have sex with a man. i didnt say “no only with beautiful transexual women” because i didnt want to appear as a chaser. i had a wonderful vegan sandwich. i think woke has won. i think, love will win. i went to a bizarre eighties throwback prom. they had “prom monarchs” at a mostly gen x gathering in tulsa. in the 2000s that would never happen. i think that a world of love is still possible. 

the point about the penis is that i taught a guy something. i encountered a random man and i went “no that entire mythology is fake, that's statistically average basically”. he probably kinda thought i was gay because i knew penis statistics. but he didnt go “are you some kind of faggot?, get the fuck out of this conversation”. he just did a kinda dumb white guy thing of jokingly asking “would you bumfuck?”. the stranger who says randomly tells you something will stick with you forever.

i once gave weed to a guy for free who i encountered at night. we talked about autism and his ex wife who wanted to get back with him. he wasnt having that, he wanted to be with his girlfriend. he said that i was special after i told him i was autistic. he called the wind autistic. the wind is special because it's autistic and it carries you strange androgynous woman man creature who gave me weed and talked to me. 

the world is too beautiful in a stupid way and too stupid in a beautiful way to end.