"i feel both a crushing sense of dread and yet also hope somehow.".
i went to a trail today, it was my first time being there in nearly two years. last time i was there with her, may twenty nineth 2022 i think. it was me and hers second date. it was also our last. this wasnt because we broke up then. maybe it would be better if we had. we messed around there, away from the prying eyes of the world. i didnt find her pretty. i did find her pretty. because of who she was. before
the trail there was the post office. it was a postcard to a friend in australia.
it was a gift for her birthday. her birthday is in december. but i sent it finally. it takes so long to do anything. i sent a college to my friend, all american girl, i wanted to send it for months.
i think this was the day my delusions died. i wandered the corpses of my past. i didnt leave the house meaning to go to the trail.
the sun got blotted out today.
biking under the eaten song.
sun, i mean sun.
i brought my copy of the cantos with me.
i didnt get to read it. i read half a page.
i think im over my ex but i still kinda sorta want to k111 myself.
maybe if i draw enough pretty things. then i can go visit the one i love.
maybe she will love me in the way i love her if i draw enough pretty things.
i have a fear this, whatever it is, i fear it's gonna be, or is, a repeat of last time.
i pissed in a girls mouth on this trail. well. right off it. hidden. i listened to a song about the final remarks on a relationship as i walked.
i sent a friend some of my hair. i didnt tell her i did.
i need a job so this all ends.
im not sure if it will ever end.
i am making pretty pictures so somebody loves me.
a fox i once loved spoke to me tonight.
i am making pretty pictures so i can get paid, so i can see a girl who might end up hating me.
i was about to get mad at a post online and respond but then i remembered i can just imagine a very large borzoi dog jumping around, leaps and bounds above cars and coins and spires and smiling at this thought of mine.
this is a plea.
this is a prayer.
i looked through the twitter of the girl who once loved me. i didnt feel the tear. i just felt slight annoyance because she was wrong about things online.
theres an email i should read. im afraid my rabbi might hate me. they gave a boy, a dog, something kinda like bpd.
my father doesnt think im autistic.
if i didnt have adhd id be applying to grad school by now so i could maintain early modernist artworks.
but i have adhd so i think everyone hates me. or everyone loves me. and it's my job to deliver them home safe and sound.
i should hangout with a woman who is in her thirties who likes gundam and my feet. maybe topping her would fix me.
i want to be held. i want it to be alright. it will never be alright until me and everyone i know is immortal.
i need to stop wondering if you are alright and start worrying about how to make sure i am ok. the year has come to an end. this year of no love filled with love and relationships. it's been a year and a half probably. on april thirtieth maybe i will be in the arms of someone i love. i hope i am. i really dont want to off myself but on days like this it is really hard not to. this music sounds bad to me now. baby im cured and i still am miserable.
maybe in the morning i will be in love again.
No comments:
Post a Comment