this is how the story goes.

my first girlfriend cut herself. my second real one did too. i am too much of a pussy to cut myself or anyone. i am attracted solely to women i will endup hurting. i cant imagine it any other way. my girlfriend of right now will one day maybe leave me covered in scars and cursing my name. i am unsure if im capable of the human feelings. im all too capable of the human feelings. silly rama plays the oriental carnival again. i want to puke up my heart. im inclined to seeing others as playthings if im not careful. im a scared little girl whose mind is made of rubber bands and rotten connections. and spite. me and winter and sadie. oh shutup about them stupid slu†††. this album has meaning so i give it a ten. or a nine. i was jealous towards sadie. why did it get all that attention. i want attention. im only able to understand that im loved if people online want to fuck me or if im being held. and even then id rather blow them. 4lung wall glitch, noclip into the telegram group dm where everyone discusses their demons and some thirty seven year old trans woman isnt shutting up about diapers. susan place poster who wandered into 4chan and then here in my dms, posting raceplay bs on her tl, im asking her gently to kill herself so no one has to entertain a bore. oh look it's chloe corrupt in the message requests of a newly legal trans girl!, what year is it?, could be twenty nineteen, could be twenty twenty five, because that b1tch been lining up kidnapping dates longer than ive been growing tits. denver lead pipes falling sound clip. anime pussy. my friend in florida crushes up his adhd meds so he can grind primogems for baizhu in genshin. mihoyo lore makes fallout look like a high school homestuck ttrpg fan's story outline. i dont think, some abusers realize what theyre doing is abusive but that certainly doesnt make it alright. i pushed winter too much. i shouldve asked once then quit it and only responded if she brought it up within regards to dating. "oh boy let me fall for an emotionally guarded girl whose dissociation skills are legendary and say this is part of a revenge plot (it's not but im incapable of imagining myself acting out of genuine love most of the time)" because yeah that seems really smart. i think sadie suppressed itself intellectually, it recounted its cleverness and intelligence at length as a child and it never said "well, my own personal 9/11 directed by my own personal dick cheney kinda wrecked my life so here i am a scared tiger". im a scared dog. i understand this now. the author of the maid rpg wrote it all while drunk, i bare my feelings only while feeling terrible and drowning in liquor because im under siege by hostile psychic forces that made it so my expressions of most basic feelings are only able to be understood as psychoanalysis gymnastics and abstract auteur asshole artworks. my room smells like a dog park and i dont mean that in a haha twitter doggirl joke way, i mean it as a depressed girl way. "Mahal kita" miah messages me, unsure what to say. i could use a friend. i could use several hundred. several thousand. im unable to explain straightforwardly what happened with me and sadie and winter and well. it's because i havent figured it out. i need the abstract machine of justice under a communist system to exist already so i can understand the harm i inflicted and so there is a public process of "i will get better, believe me, whats the assigned territories?, because i dont want us to be mutually assured manic panic attack at the mountain goats concert in denver". i miss sadie and winter, i miss having those friends. i found a band called i like japanese hardcore that did lofi pop for a few months in the two thousands and i wish i could send it to fae because it seems like her music. her sort of music. i hope she somehow took the harm i imparted and made a killer concept album with it that was only shared with a few individuals. im guessing thats not the case. i wrote out spite artwork and i know it's not good or productive but nonetheless theres a work some weird girls ive shown it to really enjoy. i am unsure how to fully explain what happened. im sorry, for. well. being who i was then. if i knew what this was i wouldve pulled the plug a lot sooner. i want to draw my former friends foxes, cows, and tigers. im mad at sadie mischaracterizing me in our visit to a punk cafe (theres not too much thats cool in denver in the winter) as a hostile entity bent on elvis apologia but compared to harm done on my end wellll it's nothing really. i dont fully know what i did but i can see how my negative impulses could form a coalition force to make girls i once cared for hate me and oh fuck im really scared of it happening again. i dont want to hurt anyone. even if im actually evil and all my thoughts are bent on manipulation i dont think that matters because it's only acts that have impacts and i want my impacts and lasting marks to be meaningful and positive and not leave behind razor blade signs.