burnout. august fourteenth.

im not sure that you get use to being called an evil person. i think that at somepoint you shrug and try to not fall apart. i dont know what my brain is like. i havent been writing lately. diary entries at least. i should use my physical journal again. i feel all my thoughts slipping from my head like sand from my hands. im burnt out. maybe. im not gonna make any art about being kicked out from a community and everyone being awful at communication. all it does is sear the agony into your mind. i miss being a neet. but also i dont. it's kinda like that thing people say with capitalism and the matrix and platos cave. once you see it then you feel insane that other people dont. but for me i saw the entirety of history and the universe and the mind laid out before me and now im smoking cigarettes in a walgreens parking lot. monday i worked. maybe i should be happier that not too many people message me. i wish that let me take a step away from my phone. everything about me is fleeting. like sands spilling out of a younger mes hands. i cant describe everything ive done in a day. most of the weekend and yesterday i spent on call with catherine. i dont know how many times "i love you" was exchanged between us. i spent saturday. sunday. and tuesday. thats yesterday. today is a wednesday. i spent much of it depressed and in bed. autopilot mode. thats how it feels today. at work i have more energy than at home. i barely remember ve. only wisps. but i keep marching to a maladaptive drumming beat that she helped establish. sitting by the phone like a dog waiting for someone to return home. i miss calling audrey. i dont remember for sure but there had to be a time me and her called all the time. im unsure what i did in the summer and fall of last year. i curl up besides an angelic choir and try to sleep some more. i forget i love people too easily. my love is deep and engraved into stone though. when it reactivates it glows so strongly. everything is a squishy soup. memory that is. im still trying to make myself into an android. the difference is that this time it's with flac files and scans of watercolor artwork. i need my stone hewn love for audrey to be reactivated. my soul easily retreats into itself. into me. can i kiss you sweetly?. i did admit that i probably do have some romantic feelings for her to catherine recently. she did say at a point that she couldnt reciprocate iirc. im unsure if it's a lack of interest or if it's that she knows how messy that could endup being. evening thunder storms. i. i sometimes tend to forget to plan for the future. i know that being a person involves these messy interactions. im so broken from seeing the face of G-d that i can only lay down and weep. life is pointless and art is futile but i wish i could believe otherwise. take photos of everything and none of them are special. get a film roll and you have to be selective in what you do. in what you take pictures of. i love you. i really do. i love the universe and the world. im shaped by and shape what surrounds me. im clocky and likely only attractive to other trans people but thats ok maybe. theres too many thunderstorms lately. i need to deposit a check. i did some artwork today.