woodrose windows.

arent you glad you got your stupid death wish f****t?, you said "hey wouldnt it be funny to ruin my relationship by adoring one of your girlfriends closest friends who also is the ex of your girlfriends girlfriend and not on speaking terms?, wouldnt that be silly". but. thats not really what happened. this was a ship made to not last. i adore you for forever audrey. i cannot but help to. i think we knew. at the pretty bitter show. that our fears were right. that despite the love washing over us. that this couldnt last. logistical impossibility. she is america, and like america despite the endless love and delight i feel there is something else there, a boiling sea. i lieks am3rica and am3rica lieks me!!!, :3 but dear goodness. me and america will always have problems. despite the love. beat beat beat hit the drum, film reception. maybe im built to break hearts in complex ways, i had been wishing that whenever this fell that at least it would lodge something in americas heart, a thought that can only be expressed with an outpouring of art. only genius annotations now. this is better. we love and adore eachother and she is one of the few people who i think understands me and who i understand and yet... thats not how it goes. im a woman meant to live alone maybe. unfortunate. is there another tetra like figure out there that can occupy the sides of my vision like a ghost and make food in silence with me?, can we find eachother in dc. mirror twins. i love you. i will always love you. she wanted a musician boyfriend. and. well. i was one for awhile, but the thing is that those types are too insane to really keep. i want to travel across america with america (her) still. three pulses, she forgot, i know she forgets. thats alright. a few nights ago i had a threesome, "i only have sex if it's funny or holy" "what does she mean by that?" "i dont know" america answers with a grin. "yeah buddy, that seems rough, my advice is to never do long distance, like. denver and dc, thats as well another country to me" rachel calytrix says. america sends walton a text, she lets walton onto her account. bite and bite mark. lex walton doesnt know my private (godsbigtits) and what a situation. i let anyone i trust on there. i trust walton. i trust audrey. i trust catherine. i trust many people and i have no one in this world to really ever trust in a way that matters. tetra soho stands out at night, wind sweeps through colorado. i send winter a poem for a tiger. 

me and america called. it was a call like all others. it was natural and nice. we need to plan to ensure we talk, every now and then. if we stayed together too long we wouldve destroyed eachother. setup another savings account if thats something that can be done and put the money for rent and grocery and emergencies in there. get out get out of there, you will always feel like a child in your parents house, at least as long as theyre alive. i fear my fathers death. thank you beverly. i wish i was sch1zo because at least then my insanity would be sensible. beat beat beat, film lighting hits, make dinner quickly. those old boston queens!. what a sight. what a sight. maybe... a broken love is better than a festering wound where every exit is shutdown with a "i love you" that is true but also refuses to see the problem. i adore her to the moon and back but i dont think i could wakeup with white clinical lights and no windows everyday or i would slowly k1ll myself with alcohol and blasting music. so. i lay in an empty bed save for some plushies and me as soft sunlight falls upon my face. 

logistical and communications impossibility. 

i look forward to calling catherine after work, i dont know how to tell her "i would work six days a week if it meant i could fall asleep exhausted in your arms" but i know that isnt something that would workout either. and i know that she doesnt want that.

anyway.

i had a threesome with a trans couple and watched the urusei yatsura bbc dub saturday night. it was fun. cut it short because it was funny. and to watch catherine play class of 09.

then another night i watched alien and aliens with rachel calytrix. we talked about the situation.

and today. i was exhausted. and. then well. i called audrey. and it ended. theres not. really a poetic recording of life here. it's straightforward. it's a new day tomorrow. one where i am a different girl. it ended as best as it could. we knew it was coming. maybe it will happen again sometime. a silent agreement to call eachother certain things. but i dont think it will. but thats alright. i hope we are right. that we remain best friends. that we do most of the things we promised eachother. i love her madly, to the point of annoyance at that fact. "goodnight, ly my friend, <3". 

im on call with beverly. i think im gonna call catherine and exist silently with her soon.

i dont think this is one of those things i will cry about, "turn of the century man in the body of a transgender lesbian commie".

rest easy dreams. rest well.