i had some sleepy thoughts.

but like a lot of sleepy thoughts they disappeared as i was getting ready for bed and brushing teeth. it was about thorn. i regret that was the first time it saw me truly truly animal. it's, i am afraid of hurting it again. i am always in a hurry and what for. life is long enough. life is good enough. i wish i could pick those thoughts back up. i get to be alive. i love it. and love isnt enough. i am not human, no, i am not animal enough. i am tired and saying whatever. i want to play with it. i thought i needed to be the maid but sometimes i should just be the fox with thorn, i shouldnt be constantly worrying about the future. i shouldnt be wondering if this is the best course. i should be able to hold someone i love and wakeup and exist. and not check my phone until ive been awake four or five hours. i am not wild in the way i want to be. 

i was so afraid that something i love would be taken away, that someone i love would be taken away. i have had a lot of things i love going away lately. Min-Bin is dying slowly. my grandmother is dying slowly. and i never got to really talk to her. i am angry and sad about these things. and i dont want to say goodbye to someone that understands me, that can look into my eyes and see what i feel. 

i try to be the one that provides but thorn never asked me to be. it just wants someone to play with. though i cant declare anything as what it truly is thinking. because, while i know it i dont understand it in the way i want.

i pondered the question of love deeply and what it is once, and i came up with the definition of "love is the desire to know the Other completely and utterly but knowing this is impossible and trying despite that".

i wish we could be animals in the glen that play and wrap around each other.

i am an animal too and i am no Orpheus for it is not my duty to bring my love from the depths into the world of the living. if it lets me then i get to exist with the single most interesting and fascinating and clever and creative animal that i have ever met.