i feel like im constantly fucking up.

i invited thorn to the show, i think that was a bad decision. i just wanted to be its friend. i just wanted to exist in a shared space and not crowd it. i wish i knew what it wanted me to do. im sad it's scared of me. i want it to be ok. i dont want it to hate me. i tried offering the treatment that i would offer any friend. i asked what i could do at the end and it didn't say, i asked if it wanted me to leave it alone, it didnt respond but recoiled, i asked if that was a yes or no, then it said "yes" repeatedly until it was nearly shouting it. i dont want to scare it. i didnt want to scare it. i did tell it "I think I'm gonna try to follow the advice of dream Xi Jinping and The Divine Engine from here on out and not talk to you unless you prompt me and keep it to one reply. but if you need anything let me know, i do care about you. here's some earplugs in case." via google translate earlier. i want it to talk to me and be my friend only if that is what it wants. how can love turn so sour?. hanging out with Carli and Sarah is good though. why do i keep hurting it and myself?, is there anything i can do?. i dont want to be its father. i dont want it to transfer all the hate it has felt onto me. maybe some of that hate is justified. but i dont want it to fill a needed mental outlet with me as the ultimate evil like i did with █████. i do want to take care of it in the way i try to take care of all my friends. i hate myself. "i still want to be friends but that is not gonna happen". Karli is right, she is talking to me. "if there was any hope of keeping a friendship, it would need space, and unless substantial time has passed you cant be the one to attempt to restart a friendship", thats the geist. i love you, everyone ever. i am alright with not talking now. i am a rapist and everything i try to do to help is another rape. might not go to picnic. i just want to be another animal in the world of animals but i am a man with a movie camera, a camera that watches and rapes. i am. a woman of some evil.