reflections on religion and also a recipe for a good sauce for hot dog in baguette.

during this past weekend in boulder a man attacked a pro israel demonstration which was ostensively calling for the fifty six (LVI in roman numerals) hostages held by hamas to be released. this demonstration and those like it of course are not really about the hostages, they are the states' own simonino di trento. the attack resulted in no deaths and a dozen injuries (XII in roman numerals). the man responsible has one hundred and eighteen charges set against him, or CXVIII in roman numerals.

as of june fifth 55,223 palestinians lay dead. this number cannot be represented with roman numerals, a system where in conventional schemes the largest number that can be represented is three thousand, nine hundred, and ninety nine. the death toll for nine eleven is MMCMLXXVII in roman numerals. 

i havent been to a synagogue service in months. and i am not sure if i want to. 

i still censor g-d. i still avoid work on shabbat. i havent eaten pork in four years.

what am i.

the sauce is made of olive oil, horseradish, pepper, garam masala, indian silphium, salt, dijon mustard, mayonnaise, fried garlic, goat cheese, white wine, and any drippings from the hot dog.

on monday my boss asked me if i knew anyone harmed in the attacks. i said "i dont tend to hangout with people who are vocally zionist". this i hope is not an answer that is going to get me fired down the line. on past friday an old gay latino man who worked at the grocery store for fourteen years was fired. this was not for no reason, however it was also a coup. he was technically doing time theft. this however i did not care about. as long as we got out on time or at least before ten and he pulled his weight at least a bit he was fine in my book. he would smoke weed and drink with me and other people after work. most of them coworkers, one was someone who use to work at the grocery store (who is now banned from the store grounds). 

my boss played ween today. 

you make the sauce by using a food processor.

as of june fifth 55,223 palestinians lay dead. this number cannot be represented with roman numerals.

i met a multiplicity of women last weekend, who lives in the mountains. i kissed its hand and spoke in electric whispers for three days. i see this multiplicity tomorrow.

this sauce is not kosher, technically. i dont think i care. i dont think im able to care, it is animal, killed and used for human ends. the multiplicity of women would be vegan if not for other factors. i would be vegan if i didnt wakeup to calm green grass. i would be vegan if my job wasnt cutting up animals. im not sure if i would be vegan. i sure would like to be. 

i dont think i have moral permission to care about much of anything.

i learned yesterday that a girl i once had a long distance relationship with and a girl i once voice called often are both twitter mutuals with a detransitioner who once defended the iron guard (fascist group that was active in romania) and read too much evola. i am not sure if he still does fascist apologetics. i have the feeling she does. i do not respect most detransitioners, most i assume are nazis. i am not sure if i am allowed to care about this. i shouldnt be surprised, or. i allowed myself only a fleeting moment of surprise rather. all things make sense to me now. i have been alive since the late hadean eon. 

you make a hole in a baguette. you fry a hot dog. you toast the baguette in the air fryer that is next to the soda stream that your father bought. your father who does not support israel but nonetheless bought the soda stream. there is no G-d but the one that walter whitman called Freedom. there is no G-d but you HaShem, you who allows these things. 

as of june fifth 55,223 palestinians lay dead. this number cannot be represented.

i am not sure i can care. caring is for those who have not seen field after field of the rotting damned dead. i hope i can love this multiplicity of women. there has been a feeling i forgot in my heart. the feeling of those who arent entirely broken.

i did dishes at work today. i listened to music. the gen x man who led the coup looked like an animal running with a towel in his backpocket. theres already replacements for the lost manpower that was once the old gay man, the old gay man who i assumed was alive and active during the aids crisis. 

as of june fifth MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMCCXXIII palestinians lay dead.

you put the sauce in the hole. you put the hot dog in the hole. you watch asterix and obelix as you eat it. 

as of june fifth i began reading ulysses with a woman.

as of june fifth the world goes on. and on. and on.

i dont want to read sanderson.

hi there, i love you.

Last night I had gay sex which I regret for the fact that she had Maas and Sanderson on her bookshelf. she hypnotized me, and later i felt so very ugly in the way that we girls all feel. the hypnosis was beautiful however, i was her corpse. May is a month for regret and rebirth.

i had gone into denver to see the flowers play, which i did. and i hung around matty's. me and mary and dani went to an elvis diner which i must admit did not live up to my expectations. the toast was good but it simply lacked enough elvis.

my father is going to tear down a gate.

new pope is from chicago.

this takes five, ten minutes, maybe twenty at most to actually do.

why did i stop doing it. and music. and oil colors. 

the pigment was beautiful, and the oil smelled like nothing but it remembers.

i understand many things and never enough.

this is the lake of mind.

rose made some really good rice. i photographed many things. and tomorrow i am going to get many things developed. and clean. if you spend just a single solid day doing this then you can get through it.

and it will be done.

sleep deprivation is when i am a full fool and must then. well gee shucks. i guess i better repair the world. i should engage in more prayer.

i found a sir francis blake book that might be worth a lot, and i will maybe get swag bookstore credit. 

i am vcing with temperance and i miss the humid air of elsewhere.

may fourth.

get up, ursula in bed. we talked about the history of consseltiojs last night. we went out into the world. drop off at trident. fae needed to go nap. meet up with whitney and shiv. and then chloe. go hiking at ncar after wandering around. we go to cosmos. then chloes. skylar and aviv join. get home at 1:30. another beautiful day with the girls.

just before the 2024 election i saw a chudjak that told me nothing ever happens and i think that was some spirit laughing at me.

just before the 2024 election i saw a chudjak that told me nothing ever happens and i think that was some spirit laughing at me.

i think that we need to outlaw hardcore atheism. but also hardcore religion shouldnt be a thing. we need worldwide agnosticism or "i mean who gives a shit im doing my own thing idc if others think theres one or many gods. i occasionally pray to ancestor spirits and saw a ghost once but im mostly about making good quality clocks and learning about the history of board games". we need religious things to be chill. being really into religion should be seen as if you were really into collecting commemorative spoons and also bit people who didnt like the rolling stones. 

reflections.

in the cain's ballroom’s men’s bathroom i talked to a guy who said he was worried his penis was small, five inches. that is slightly above average. i told him this and to read deleuze to get better at sex. i dont know if the deleuze will help but it would be kinda funny. he asked me if i would have sex with a man. i didnt say “no only with beautiful transexual women” because i didnt want to appear as a chaser. i had a wonderful vegan sandwich. i think woke has won. i think, love will win. i went to a bizarre eighties throwback prom. they had “prom monarchs” at a mostly gen x gathering in tulsa. in the 2000s that would never happen. i think that a world of love is still possible. 

the point about the penis is that i taught a guy something. i encountered a random man and i went “no that entire mythology is fake, that's statistically average basically”. he probably kinda thought i was gay because i knew penis statistics. but he didnt go “are you some kind of faggot?, get the fuck out of this conversation”. he just did a kinda dumb white guy thing of jokingly asking “would you bumfuck?”. the stranger who says randomly tells you something will stick with you forever.

i once gave weed to a guy for free who i encountered at night. we talked about autism and his ex wife who wanted to get back with him. he wasnt having that, he wanted to be with his girlfriend. he said that i was special after i told him i was autistic. he called the wind autistic. the wind is special because it's autistic and it carries you strange androgynous woman man creature who gave me weed and talked to me. 

the world is too beautiful in a stupid way and too stupid in a beautiful way to end.