you say that you prefer mirror to mirror when i show a poll by my friend rachel asking what version of twin fantasy is the best one.
it's been four years since i was introduced to csh, it's been four months since i first visited you. it's been a few days since i laast held you babyyy.
it's been too many days since i held you.
it's been a bit since my sister moved out. it's been too long since i made music. “my musician boyfriend” she says and i smile.
i have never been mad at my lover. i dont think i could be. i have been assigned a lover by the stars. doc holliday stands trail for murder, wyatt earp and his posse round up some fuckers.
“next time you visit i know you will know how to use that” she says about my camera on the first visited (she is more or less right). i remember her smile in the way people remember angels, floating and blurry and you try to grab onto it and hold it and cant and you cant and you cant.
im afraid, more than anything else maybe, more than cars and sisters, of losing grasp on my audrey. im afraid of her changing in a way where she no longer wants to hold me. i overestimate the ability for people to change.
capitalism fixes people into place, i forget this. people are stuck into a workplace, you establish a persona. the neet is set aside from the world, she has no community save for the fact that she is a wanderer. méribel soho is condemned to be a gyrovague. ive been a neet too long. audrey isnt a neet. so i forget that she doesnt puzzle over my actions probably, i dont think shes got any grand narratives. i really fucking hope i didnt lose my hat. your lover remains a mystery to you for forever maybe. i fascinate her and i care about her. im unsure why i love her the way i do.
im unsure what the future holds. i dont know if ill ever live with audrey, i dont know what i want, i dont know what sort of girl i am, i want to spend countless nights in her bed. i know i need to live on the east coast. i know that denver holds too many bitter bok choy memories.
it's 1882 and the cowboy war is in full swing and baby im cheering for the south to be repressed.
i want to experience those three days with audrey again. sweet beautiful nights. i have been trying to figure out love and i dont think it makes sense. none of it makes sense. i dont think i ever wrote down the events of the first trip.
so ill do it with this trip.
catherine is shorter than i expected. i knew she was shorter than me but it doesnt really register until i got to experience it. she greets me at the baggage claim. i want pizza. we venture into an evil part of town. i lose my viewfinder. it's really good pizza. we take care of a cat.
the second day i tell catherine to let her hair airdry, this does help with a problem she was having. her hair too oily, i tussle it. i tussle it and it's less oily. girls dont know how to take care of their hair. me and her hangout with kgor. it's nice. we went to an art museum. me and her make a kale salad later. i know this sounds boring. but i cannot get across the whimsy.
maybe memories dont have the value i think they do.
on the second of september i take pictures of someone accused of being a sexpest. i dont think they did it. faer story reminds me kinda of mine. i see a show with audrey. it's nice.
on the third not too much happens. i enjoy it. both me and catherine have class to attend. we were gonna watch metropolis together, didnt have time. we have good curry tho.
i think it's good to have friends that you arent really sexual with and just hangout together and get to cuddle. that sorta stuff rocks.
today i nearly missed my flight. i misplaced my hat.
im back in boulder now. im tired. i miss my friends. i miss the east coast. i no longer am having the “you should destroy your life because it's going well” urge. it's been three or four years since i started trying to understand love and perception. i dont know what i want to know. i think i need a girl to hold. i dont think i want to fall in love with anyone else and destroy my relationship. i feel like a r3tard. i am a dog. i love my girlfriend. im sorry im like. but she says she understands. thats why i love her. im in sorrow i dont get to see her at least once a week. i want to fall asleep with her again. shes nice and soft and good to bite.
----.
"if you go deaf im not learning sign language".
"you would".
i cant be mad because shes not wrong.
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