september third: you should be hated here.

you should be hated here.

over the past month or so i believe i have been subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship with my girlfriend.

i believe this is probably in part because i am not use to not drowning in a sea of instability, i was unemployed for a year and two thirds and was in a generally abusive environment. in part it is also because i am unable to conceive of myself as a person, i am a character, i do what is expected of a character, what is thematic. i am suppose to hurt people, i am suppose to seek forgiveness which never comes (i already learned the lesson that lex walton taught me, that forgiveness only comes from yourself). i am unuse to my story having ended. to sitting in the epilogue.

i am too tired. i think theres a death drive. people are oddly comfortable with being in unhappy places. i like my girlfriend audrey. im mad at myself that ive made her brain weird within past month. i am mad at myself for not understanding love. i also do understand love. i love mundanity. love blossoms in mundane actions. i wish i lived closer to my girlfriend. i kinda think i am someone who needs to live alone. i fall apart whenever i am not around other people. i am scared of other people. it's nearly three here. im talking to mae. "ruining your relationship with your girlfriend" seems like a story action. life isnt a story. audrey is soft and biting her is wonderful. i feel like im about to pass out.