another entry.

ok how to calm down. i shouldve brought water. i dont actually know if this is the ten or fifteen now. i think i saw the ten, no. idk idk. i will have to keep more active lookout at everything. keep checking my map. i could try asking the driver but i am too panicked and she is busy. 

seven eleven. 

thats too dark. i need an actual camera. twenty three minutes untile twelve. do i message Ruckus or Þorn when i get there?. i am likely to be a rambling mess but i want to be. quiet until talken to. i dont want to be. why did i press backspace and correct a sentence there. i was originally gonna type "mess but i dont want to be rambling mess", maybe?, u forget. i backspaced and added a question mark. when am i correcting this document. maybe i am all acting this. a play of pitt. pity. i asked an old lady if this was the ten or fifteen. she said fifteen. she popped her earpuds out. earbuds. ok well thats one thing solved. i wish i was listening to the words. i cough. prints this all put and puts it in a book. out. not put. i am. afraid. of everything. ever. maybe i should retastted restart the album. i love you þorn. i really so. i might have to hand this blog to you in a bit if i am too panicked. are you really ok with this?, do you all need more time and space?. i feel like i need to do more archelpgy of the self. but i also think id never be quite ready. i hurt you a lot because of my jeapulsy and not communicating and you dont deserve that. i am so sorry, i want to be better and ensure that never happens again. i know the normal language around dating doesnt really work with us because we are weird but i really hope that you take me back. i want to be better, not just address the intintal issue point but. initial. i want to be better and know you better and listen better. layeffete. i was coasting. i felt alright that i was doing a good enough job, well i wasnt, but i want to do a great job. well, job is the wrong word. you probably would object to that language. it's not a labor, it's an effort. i dont know how to encapsulate the feeling. but i want you all to . pulled the string. gonna get out soon. thank you. i will say thank you to the driver. i cant run away. waiting. out of the bus. i said thiank uou. but. i want to never hurt you or scare you again and i want to make it so that i am the best possible partner mate that i can be. the sum. sun. maybe i shouldve eatej more and yeah. but. i have felt like i might throw up. i am showing up in a scared unprepared state. i dont know if i can physically talk. geavy breathing. i am stumbling around it feels like. cara cars coming by. i remember a girl named kara i went yo school with. just another block and a half. i am so scared. i dint want to udealize you ot anything. i idealized too many of my partners. i dont think i idealized you but i could know you all better. i am scared. terrfied. why why why. i am so sorry. i want to make it better. listening to sincerely yours on tepeat. the sun bears down on me. beats, not bears. some leaves are changing. maybe thats just how that paricutlar tree is. saw a yellow leaf on the ground and i think i saw the tree it came from. ok i am here. i will message you. i will.