Loss_point.

i am on my way to Denver to talk with þorn. today i woke up at seven thirty. i had a dream where i was with the girls of friendhouse and at the end they excluded me i think. the dream involved a thanksgiving meal situation. there was more to the dream. at the end i saw þorn hugging someone and i got sad that þorn might never hug me in that way again. i finished watching a video about the prehistory of tamriel. had tea and took my meds. had an apple and part of a pistachios croissant. i am hungry but too worried to have an appetite. i am so worried that i will get there and þorn will already have its mind set on the outcome of us no longer being together. dad drove me to table mesa and while waiting for the bus i talked to Scarlet about their new job and the world being cruel to children. and how i am going to go meet þorn. on the bus i sat and stared out the window while listening to the first three or four songs on Grapefruit by Bałtyk. by the time you get to Sheridan Station a lot of nature gets blocked off from view. so began writing this. nearly to Union Station now. i have my stuffie Games with me. and my laptop. plus some apples. i have ginger candies in my jumpsuit breast pocket in the hopes that þorn checks it. i also messaged with Robyn about it all. this was earlier. i really love the song Sincerely Yours, and it stabs me. i saw a man reading a book with a cover that used that one drawing of a man peeking out of the universe, it's from the 1600s i think. maybe 1500s. i feel nauseous and am almost crying. i feel as if i am walking into a death, an ending. last night i had the absolutely sure feeling that þorn will dump me. Cirrus told me that þorn has been on discord and so i assume þorn has seen me crashing out and changing profile pictures and names and unfriending it and then sending a friend request and cancelling that. i havent done something like that in ages. in these last two weeks it has felt like i have regressed (but not in an age regressor way but just interpersonal and self skills). i feel as a mess. i am sitting in the bus hall of union station. was gonna take the fifteen but it's gonna be late so i guess gonna get the ten instead. i am talking to my russian furry friend and i want to talk to her and in her server more. i want to be friends with people from everywhere. i just have to face this. i feel like i might have a picnic attack. meant panic attack. lol picnic attack. but no fr i am already kinda afraid of having a breakdown or panic attack. i might just write until i get there but i want to listen to Grapefruit. i hope the talk goes well enough that we can go to art night together. nevermind, the fifteen came. i saw an old man wearing a shirt of an ai generated asian toddler and a mask hanging from his ear with another one. ok, new entry. Méribel make another entry and post this one.