Back To The Radio.

everything you know is being packed into boxes.

i am packing myself into a container

and i am watching a video feed of lovers fighting.

spin this baton, hit the mug and crack it.

i am no boxes

i am full of boxes

holding challah and statues of farm animals

neatly arranged temples and potions 

photos of elvis and photos of you

an endless track and beautiful knives

frozen dough and pitchers of unknown liquor.

today i got up and tried to sleep. i got six hours of sleep maybe. but wasnt returning to sleep. broke a promise to myself. i finished a game of interplanetary and what a fun awful game, a game about war. too many war games make the fascists love them. i am sitting in a memory of a bus of the rolling landscape. hungout with Q today, she picked me up at 3:20 or so. we went to time warp comics and we talked about figurines and warhammer and games and existence i think. art probably. about how i was trying to find something truly weird. i got Annie Oakley comics for fifty cents. we talked about comics i think, and where to go. i showed her Valium by The Felice Brothers afterwards, after the Annie Oakley Comics. we got Good Times because she had never been, she liked it. what a good shake. saw this on a car and just lol.

we sat and talked about what happened with me and thorn and my issues. i started talking about Vilém Flusser at somepoint. about how the self is made by the art we make. i am thinking about the music video for Jazz on the Autobahn. before Q picked me up i watched a Dime Store Adventures video about cryptids. what did we talk about on the way to comics?, i dont remember. what to do maybe?, yes probably. we went up to Chautauqua and i told her the long complex origins, we also talked about cowboys and the west and Annie Oakley. while walking up a hill we talked about the divine and the universe and everything, i wish i paid attention to what she was saying more, i was but i dont remember in actuality. i am tired and it's blurry. i undercut her comment about food being one of the rarest materials in the universe with an absurd hypothetical. i do that too much. i do that too much. she was right. i suggested "what if just outside the observable universe we found that we were surrounded by a hollow sphere of wood", this transformed over time into talking about what if all the advanced civilizations are just doing wood working and jewellery making. what if the first aliens we meet are the equivalent of ham radio guys and they are mad at us because we are using a specific band that is reserved for something specific?. what if they dont care about us because we havent gotten to a point where we can all pursue the arts?. oh yes, Q was talking about names and their origins and how beautiful the world is. it's such a beautiful world indeed. walking up a hill took a lot of energy and i need to do it more. i am a weak f∆gg0t. i feel like i talked too much, i felt like i talked too much. she said she didnt mind and was a listener. talking about an absurd hypothetical with a woman that likes listening made me remember talking about elf lifespans with thorn. what if everything goes back to normal but i am simply too out of practice?. 

Robyn offered to hangout after the talk. Q is going to a rodeo tomorrow. i had a coffee milkshake and she had cookies and cream, i had a bean burger and she had a burger called big daddy. lol nearly wrote bug daddy. 

talking to W and i wish fae would transition. i do like talking to her and i think if she was on estrogen would be more. willing to open up maybe i guess. i am tired and i am wanting to exist around another person for awhile. well, im wanting to be around Thorn. i am a creature. talking to Q was helpful. she talked about her own relationship and her experience with estrogen taking and complacency. 

i wish the world was kinder to girls. 

i wish to eat some wild and fresh and juicy. i want to be a strange thing.

i talked about comics i love. 

i saw this statue in Denver. it is suppose to be in a different direction. idk why blogger keeps doing that. 

i am a passing by thing maybe. i am a singing sobbing thing. or rather i want to be a singing sobbing thing. or the ability to at least. it's so hard for me to cry.

i need to let myself feel.

i am so anxious about this conversation. i felt sick earlier. i felt just, i dont have the words. i need to sleep soon so i can get the bus and be there in time to talk to Þorn. i want to sit on the floor and not talk with it but in the postive sense. i think i will let it make the first word. i am nothing.

it is 10:09 and i think this will be the breakup.

i can think about looking into its eyes and seeing sadness and no longer trusting me. we might be able to have this entire talk without saying a word. we might end up crying. my storage space on my phone is running low. it's been awhile since that happened. bang bang went frankies gun. he shot me down. 

i truly do not know what is going to happen. i am not sure. i want to know if it has had enough space or if it needs more time.

you can download mario and take him wherever you want with him.

i want to show W this entry but fae would get paranoid and afraid someone would use it to find them  probably. 

there are poems written in grenades and missiles. 

there are new kinds of songs out there. there has got to be.

i watched The Witchtakers episode of Doctor Who. i guess i am getting back into Doctor Who. i saw a mtg pack for Strange New Worlds, the fucking Star Trek show that no one likes. 

time is a kind of molasses.

i have spent too much time watching videos this year. 

i think this app is lagging.

how do you dress to conversation like this.

i feel like i need a hat.