eight.

wakeup, bike to dentist, new hygienist who misgendered me because i hadnt shaved, go home, A calls me and asks if i want to go to Denver, shower and everything, go down to boulder station to meet up, takes awhile. swore i saw a friend from high school, well not friend exactly, she was in a groupchat that was named after how i wasnt in it. but i thought i saw her but it wasnt her. i went down to Denver with A on the bus, we sat in the back and she ate a sandwich, the plug wasnt working to charge my phone so powered it off and talked with A about relationships in general. saw the rolling landscape and the world is beautiful. next spring i will take bus rides where i do nothing but watch the landscape. talked with Ruckus about þorn stuff. later on when me and A were on the ten bus Bea messaged me about needing space which, i already assumed kinda, but, idk. i want B to continue being my friend but i do wish that she hadnt fucked thorn, idk. i dont get the concept of wanting to fuck people too much most of the time, in so many cases a nonsexual friendship is more rewarding. i just wish. that i had talked about stuff with thorn before all this. i guess i am too possessive. we went to shivhouse and, i kinda sat there when got there. i pulled out laptop and got to making music. went out later and got melatonin and ginger ale from grocery store. back here and cuddled with people and for that i feel weird. i always feel weird.

i think i am learning that maybe my relationship with thorn should end, i am not the best girlfriend for it and i dont know if i truly understand or know it in the way it deserves to be. but i dont want this to end. i want it to be better.

not really including the rest of the messages. but putting them here because idk... i guess in case you are reading this after receiving my message. 

it rained a lot briefly today and i was caught in it and usually id tell you about that but. you arent interested in hearing about shared weather or slightly different weather. i checked and it was raining in the mountains too when it rained in Boulder.

im proud of the music i made today. tomorrow i think R is going to inject me with estrogen. i hope the music captures this Orphic feeling. traveling north traveling north. talked to Lainey for a bit and i need to talk to her more. i should, not need. i want to listen to more Unwound. i am surrounded by friends and i still feel lonely. this shirt is slightly too tight but L says i look cute in it. 

maybe i can only make good music when it's about relationships collapsing. 

i am learning to accept that maybe things ending wouldnt be bad, maybe it's the best course of action. but i really hope we can figure something out.