getting a taxicab back to boulder.

the driver isnt interesting, she has a credit repair business and is listening to a podcast about tax and banking law in an earpiece, i can tell she isnt too into talking. might judge me for being a tranny. the furthest fare she took was to Cayenne Wyoming, a young woman.

today i wokup at six i think, early enough to see Shiv leaving. groggy and waiting for Whitney to wake, afraid to make my own coffee. i got five hours of sleep maybe. took some melatonin. existed with Lucy and thought id leave to go hangout with Robyn but she is occupied, or was. A left and asked if i wanted to go back with her. nice girl. still a mass. at somepoint thorn messaged me. before there was activity i watched slop, but took meds. i hope to. think more about this all tomorrow. im a stumbling bumbling girl. my neck hurt from sleeping on the couch. cleaned up only a little today, not enough to be named a maid. i am sleepy and listening to Grapefruit. i played Interplanetary, a game about fighting planets. i wish i did more with Lucy. she is a very nice girl slash princess. Shiv got back and then at somepoint i removed a wasp for her. went to the bar with Shiv, Lucy, and Whitney, others joined us. i got a Guinness. i think i creeped out a bartender. glanced at her breasts. i wish i looked and sounded like a woman. photographed on film and double exposure and i hope it turns out alright. i love being alive and i want to hold thorn. i miss it. i want to exist in silence with it. got a cab later. the driver is boring, well, no one is boring. just not talkative. tomorrow i will hangout with Q. i remember these roads i am passing by. i am glad i have my flawed family. i am always too anxious. i want to know thorn in a deep way i have never known anyone else. 

i want to read the annotated mina loy that thorn annotated. i was weak minded to find it distracting. i want to see its thinking. it's something i took for granted. i think i need to send another message. i hope i am not being too much of a drain on my friends. here we are, we are at the point again. i am a girl that needs to clean. i am a girl that needs to understand. the driver is playing the artist Jelly Roll and it sounds ai generated. i am a thing that stumbles and wanders. i would be happy with thorn even if we were both homeless. i worry too much. i saw a tweet that said "The classic Freud thing that perennial, seemingly sourceless anxiety is unconscious guilt over repressed anger is p valid I think" and i think that might be true. i need to not have repressed anger. theres a lot im angry at. the world is unfair and scary.

i am sad i became something scary to thorn. i might go to synagogue tomorrow. maybe. it's been awhile. the world is a wonderful olace and i am approaching home. well, it's not quite home. i havent found home but i had hoped i could find it with thorn.