i wasn't a good fox maid.

i promised to be its maid but im messy messy and lazy and im no no no good at anything. i couldnt say say say what. hahaha i dont know. i wish i was schizophrenic to understand it. what are emotions. i dont have those. im a machine, i killed all the animals and made myself an unfeeling machine. im so scared. i am so so scared. i see it crying on the floor and i should be killed for that. is this so i understand the pain, i have felt enough pain. i am a scared animal. i am. i am something. i hate you hate you hate you. i love you and love you. i need to sleep. i am no great poet. im not Orpheus im white trash that hits his wife. i am a lazy thing. i am crying in the chapel. i am something scary. i need to be beaten. i need to know i cant posses anything. i am my father's daughter son. i am alone and i need to be held. let me prove that i am something good. i am no longer human. how do i get out of this. i need to learn how to drive. everyone is lying to me and i am in agony and why shouldnt i show my pretty guts on the paper???, i need to be eaten. i need to be corrected. i need something. i need to become schizophrenic. it always hated the language of "need" but i need to be schizophrenic. i need to understand it. i need to help thorn pack things up. thorn dont read this all or maybe do and see how worthless i am. i cant even handle a week without talking to it, what the fuck is my problem. what is it. i am scared of everything. i am anger and hate and love love love. make this into a ring and put it into a machine that pumps honey. i am agony and i am Orpheus. i am unpredictable. i need to be unpredictable. i am something awful. i am something evil. i am something beautiful. i dont know if i can be poly, why am i jealous. i have sex with other people and i care about thorn more than them. i need a fucking hug.

i need to be Nanao.

void void void. i am void and full of hate.