looking for a therapist.

i have not done much today, woke up at eight forty or so. first thing i did was respond to þorn's response to my message from last night. i never consciously processed that the hot dog restaurant downtown is named "mustard's last stand". 

lol what.

but yeah im trying to not message þorn for awhile because i feel too desirous of it and affection and closeness. and i havent really properly had time to experience what it's like being apart from þorn and not be worried about being exiled or hated or something coming to an end. 

i got up and i watched doctor who. lots of peter capaldi episodes. i told myself id clean and find a therapist. havent done the first. im not even sure how id start, i have too much stuff. i need to have an app blocker on my phone again. was up late watching doctor who. probably fell asleep at two which is annoying. 

i think so much of my desires were maybe tied up with þorn and the question it (and i) wants answered is what does tetra want?. which im truly not sure. shaved a bit and was on vc with L&D while they watched the world cup. going to go spend time with belén. 

on the way to bus and on the 205 i was looking at therapists in boulder. found one who looks promising but unsure if shes chill with trans people. she went or is going to naropa though so i kinda assume she probably is. do i want burgers?. eh maybe. i might just want carrots. didnt brush my teeth last night, dang. 

i feel like im having to pick myself up and decide what to do with my life which. i feel like ive been avoiding while also stressing. 

i did send thorn messages after 9:30 which was breaking one of my personal rules but also i knew i wasnt gonna be talking to it for a couple days. ill probably message on friday to see if it's going to picnic. is there an upcoming picnic?. i feel like more seperate things. parts ordinated therapy seems interesting.

hard to convey that these cars werent moving but was afraid we were gonna be in a traffic jam but nah smooth cruising. 

maybe tonight ill apply for that cashier job or at least look over resume. 

im not a fan of lying but ill probably have to lie. 

theres probably online tutorials on being a cashier and operating the technology.

i need to figure out how to read poetry again. 

i miss the spring. in this moment i dont miss þorn which is good. 

i think im continuing to work on this entry because otherwise ill have to put the phone down and look out the window and think or try to read.

i tried reading Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day on saturday but it's a romance and that all felt too fresh.

if i dont plug my phone in it will be in the yellow zone.

it is so hot today. i need to start injections soon.

i think. ill message it when i have my room actually kinda cleaned and vacuumed along with my bathroom looking good.