today i jerked off in a friend's house, paws on top of jumpsuit. i felt embarassed when i came even though there was no one around. i had a crash out and unfriended S and T and Þ and R for a bit. i am so scared. i have been playing dwarf fortress, i wanted to make music but i think it's not something i can do anymore. it feels all fucked up. i bus'd home and i felt like i had no energy. i only have three carrots today. Robyn called me. i wanted to go to a poetry thing but it felt as if i was made of anger. the dusk light is long. it is eleven now. i miss Thorn telling me about the things it's jerked off to. yesterday i watched snapcube shadow fandub. it was ok.
i think i once diagnosed myself with bpd and thats just trauma baby. but it feels real at times like this. i have made so much process and in the past week it has all been rolled back. i am depressed and asocial as i ever was. i am too honest and share too much. G is talking to me and i want to hold her. she understands. Raya comforts me in a weird way, a sister of suffering. so is G.
i am dying. my back hurts and i am numb. tomorrow i have dentist. i hate being Orpheus.
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