6/12/20□□: decode this.

sage is back. i want to fall in love with everything. i already did and it destroyed me.

6/11/2024: loveless, the album.

today a girl said she would masturbate to my poetry, i havent heard that one before, it stays.

last night i got too high, figures move in an around the scenes. 

atomoxetine,,, yuri is still out on it. 

my mind fades, smoke is full in mouth.

youth trauma is a seedbed, that christian was right, you need the more and more extreme, jerkoff junkies.

this is how the story goes.

my first girlfriend cut herself. my second real one did too. i am too much of a pussy to cut myself or anyone. i am attracted solely to women i will endup hurting. i cant imagine it any other way. my girlfriend of right now will one day maybe leave me covered in scars and cursing my name. i am unsure if im capable of the human feelings. im all too capable of the human feelings. silly rama plays the oriental carnival again. i want to puke up my heart. im inclined to seeing others as playthings if im not careful. im a scared little girl whose mind is made of rubber bands and rotten connections. and spite. me and winter and sadie. oh shutup about them stupid slu†††. this album has meaning so i give it a ten. or a nine. i was jealous towards sadie. why did it get all that attention. i want attention. im only able to understand that im loved if people online want to fuck me or if im being held. and even then id rather blow them. 4lung wall glitch, noclip into the telegram group dm where everyone discusses their demons and some thirty seven year old trans woman isnt shutting up about diapers. susan place poster who wandered into 4chan and then here in my dms, posting raceplay bs on her tl, im asking her gently to kill herself so no one has to entertain a bore. oh look it's chloe corrupt in the message requests of a newly legal trans girl!, what year is it?, could be twenty nineteen, could be twenty twenty five, because that b1tch been lining up kidnapping dates longer than ive been growing tits. denver lead pipes falling sound clip. anime pussy. my friend in florida crushes up his adhd meds so he can grind primogems for baizhu in genshin. mihoyo lore makes fallout look like a high school homestuck ttrpg fan's story outline. i dont think, some abusers realize what theyre doing is abusive but that certainly doesnt make it alright. i pushed winter too much. i shouldve asked once then quit it and only responded if she brought it up within regards to dating. "oh boy let me fall for an emotionally guarded girl whose dissociation skills are legendary and say this is part of a revenge plot (it's not but im incapable of imagining myself acting out of genuine love most of the time)" because yeah that seems really smart. i think sadie suppressed itself intellectually, it recounted its cleverness and intelligence at length as a child and it never said "well, my own personal 9/11 directed by my own personal dick cheney kinda wrecked my life so here i am a scared tiger". im a scared dog. i understand this now. the author of the maid rpg wrote it all while drunk, i bare my feelings only while feeling terrible and drowning in liquor because im under siege by hostile psychic forces that made it so my expressions of most basic feelings are only able to be understood as psychoanalysis gymnastics and abstract auteur asshole artworks. my room smells like a dog park and i dont mean that in a haha twitter doggirl joke way, i mean it as a depressed girl way. "Mahal kita" miah messages me, unsure what to say. i could use a friend. i could use several hundred. several thousand. im unable to explain straightforwardly what happened with me and sadie and winter and well. it's because i havent figured it out. i need the abstract machine of justice under a communist system to exist already so i can understand the harm i inflicted and so there is a public process of "i will get better, believe me, whats the assigned territories?, because i dont want us to be mutually assured manic panic attack at the mountain goats concert in denver". i miss sadie and winter, i miss having those friends. i found a band called i like japanese hardcore that did lofi pop for a few months in the two thousands and i wish i could send it to fae because it seems like her music. her sort of music. i hope she somehow took the harm i imparted and made a killer concept album with it that was only shared with a few individuals. im guessing thats not the case. i wrote out spite artwork and i know it's not good or productive but nonetheless theres a work some weird girls ive shown it to really enjoy. i am unsure how to fully explain what happened. im sorry, for. well. being who i was then. if i knew what this was i wouldve pulled the plug a lot sooner. i want to draw my former friends foxes, cows, and tigers. im mad at sadie mischaracterizing me in our visit to a punk cafe (theres not too much thats cool in denver in the winter) as a hostile entity bent on elvis apologia but compared to harm done on my end wellll it's nothing really. i dont fully know what i did but i can see how my negative impulses could form a coalition force to make girls i once cared for hate me and oh fuck im really scared of it happening again. i dont want to hurt anyone. even if im actually evil and all my thoughts are bent on manipulation i dont think that matters because it's only acts that have impacts and i want my impacts and lasting marks to be meaningful and positive and not leave behind razor blade signs.

6/5/2024: pissing.

situation comedy dog.

6/3/2024: beavers are back.

river on fire,

otter men and beaver women return to ohia,

bush tumbles, 

florida girl on dxm slips words to me.

the trash comes back;

hear these words:

"it's ok to be adverse to tetra verse,

i still am a sexpest in recovery".

the aurora speaks its wisdom:

media (studies) degenerates like hardrives.

john edwards screws women in his dying wifes bed.

second century warlord on the steppes,

twitter hijack mindwaves,

can hearts divided by distance keep together via phone lines?.

various race relations discussed with poc progressive race scientists;

"all men are brothers" serves as enlightenment manta.

"thats a lot of sturgeon".

-.

maybe the world can be good. be kind. my sister is moving out. i apply to jobs. the flowers are getting a house together. my ego breathes in and out. i love my friends. the river heals with help.

6/2/2024: breakcore ego.

 i think nick land's appeal is in that he is a poet. he, like many poets, is a fascist. he is stuck at stage one of the ego formation. stage one is thus: i want it all and i want it now and i want to fuck every t@nny i can and baby baby let me hit please, oh let me lose myself in kink and death and drugs and vegas. Las Vegas is the image of a future we once imagined, it is bright and empty and vapid and running on corpses and stolen land being gamed by the mob. stage two is withdrawn from the world, it thinks in history, it takes the world as its object of study. stage three takes two ships and slams them into an angel and boom!, whimsy!. think about it like this. it's breakcore and furries. mix it, go fast, think on your feet, you combine everything together, steal and alter and never ever take yourself seriously save for when it's needed. it's needed when it's a question of friends and battle and analysis. analysis is silly. do it tipsy. you are not naïve nel are you too serious. the serious woman is the one who wants to grow up, who runs from her youth and tries to push aside the fun things of stage one. stage two presents problems, it asks to be a holy formalized couple. stage three avoids that, it lets things flow together, it gives things too many names and none are the proper name. uralic hunters go onto the steppes and meet the old gods and learn the names of the stars and the daughters. stage three doesnt ask "lets be partners", stage three of the ego knows names and languages and rituals are holdovers from the steppes and cattle sacrifice and that we, i/you/us use these and we abandon them when they serve no purpose for us. stage three is happy in forming an ego, a self, and then destorying it. it breathes like clay salt flats. your heart is the biggest musle, so is your brain, and your arms. you only become happy with whimsy. you move past tying yourself to your partner and then trying to make reason your partner, you enter into loving your partner and not tying yourself to them. you rely on yourself (and thus the world because the world and the self blend together) and in this you let yourself flow free. breakcore comes from the future. and dont you know girls got to dance?.

dairy.

hirlfriwnd.