an aside.

"A Hercules of a man: a Clark Gable of a man." - Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day.

the thing with awaiting a conversation is that you start trying to map it out, try to predict what the other person will say. this all collapses of course when you are face to face with someone you harmed, you can try to be a maid or explain but this will only get you so, i dont know the word, not far?, there?, it escapes me. maybe the word doesnt exist. at somepoint it starts being like a classic Hollywood flick, you start thinking about this Casablanca encounter. none of us are a Clark Gable of a anything. we are all that scared little rat like ancestor of humanity: Purgatorius. im anxious about my conversation with þorn. a week is maybe the longest time a four year old can conceive of, so what is two weeks?, that is multiple lifetimes. it has to be. two weeks is a long time, it really is. i tried to time travel by using youtube slop but that was just numbing as lead. poison. i dont know if i am ready. these creatures that we all are have difficulty finding mouths.

thorn messaged me.

im anxious. maybe i shouldnt have reacted with an emoji because it can get stressed out by that. but idk i wanted to show my appreciation. im anxious. i really hope we can work through stuff.

eight.

wakeup, bike to dentist, new hygienist who misgendered me because i hadnt shaved, go home, A calls me and asks if i want to go to Denver, shower and everything, go down to boulder station to meet up, takes awhile. swore i saw a friend from high school, well not friend exactly, she was in a groupchat that was named after how i wasnt in it. but i thought i saw her but it wasnt her. i went down to Denver with A on the bus, we sat in the back and she ate a sandwich, the plug wasnt working to charge my phone so powered it off and talked with A about relationships in general. saw the rolling landscape and the world is beautiful. next spring i will take bus rides where i do nothing but watch the landscape. talked with Ruckus about þorn stuff. later on when me and A were on the ten bus Bea messaged me about needing space which, i already assumed kinda, but, idk. i want B to continue being my friend but i do wish that she hadnt fucked thorn, idk. i dont get the concept of wanting to fuck people too much most of the time, in so many cases a nonsexual friendship is more rewarding. i just wish. that i had talked about stuff with thorn before all this. i guess i am too possessive. we went to shivhouse and, i kinda sat there when got there. i pulled out laptop and got to making music. went out later and got melatonin and ginger ale from grocery store. back here and cuddled with people and for that i feel weird. i always feel weird.

i think i am learning that maybe my relationship with thorn should end, i am not the best girlfriend for it and i dont know if i truly understand or know it in the way it deserves to be. but i dont want this to end. i want it to be better.

not really including the rest of the messages. but putting them here because idk... i guess in case you are reading this after receiving my message. 

it rained a lot briefly today and i was caught in it and usually id tell you about that but. you arent interested in hearing about shared weather or slightly different weather. i checked and it was raining in the mountains too when it rained in Boulder.

im proud of the music i made today. tomorrow i think R is going to inject me with estrogen. i hope the music captures this Orphic feeling. traveling north traveling north. talked to Lainey for a bit and i need to talk to her more. i should, not need. i want to listen to more Unwound. i am surrounded by friends and i still feel lonely. this shirt is slightly too tight but L says i look cute in it. 

maybe i can only make good music when it's about relationships collapsing. 

i am learning to accept that maybe things ending wouldnt be bad, maybe it's the best course of action. but i really hope we can figure something out. 

another letter to þorn that i wont send.

i have spent too long wishing for an extra two hundred years so i could get to know you all better but i forgot to spend the here and now getting to know you truly. i havent listened to all your favorite albums fully. i am listening to Grapefruit by Bałtyk again, you sent it to me awhile ago. i am gonna be reading the lyrics as i listen soon, was just showering. have to do insurance stuff. 

i hope you arent reading this letter or my latest blogs, in a way i hope you are so that you all know that i have felt scared and terrified. but last night Cirrus talked to me about guilt after we watched Bugsy Malone. it doesnt do anything to feel guilt, it's not a payment and it doesnt help the other person. we were both tired and i need to talk to her again. i hope you arent reading these blogs until much later. i love you.

seven.

https://youtu.be/a0BG08XYd1Y?is=SZ6ifCBpCcNvsZgI

wokeup ans thought i had dentist. had psych appointment actually. it went well as it could. told my psych about my relationship stuff issues. went out and got food and melatonin and meds. took some melatonin awhile ago and fell asleep. watched doctor who with ve and it reminded me of being nineteen or twenty. watched bugsy malone in the whim vc. the new doctor is interesting. my eyes hurt. my neck hurts. i feel too tired to write much. Cirrus talked about guilt and how that isn't a productive feeling. i saw a cool feeling and wish i could send it to thorn. i mean  video. about to passout.

EDIT: THIS DIDNT POST WHEN I WANTED TO. OAUGH.

i am scared.

i am so fucking scared.

memory.

i was on top of it and i had my teeth in it. i wanted to claim it. this pure bestial state in a way felt beautiful. i just wish i had the words flow out of me. i want to hold it like that again. animal like. creep like. but in a better context.