i had some sleepy thoughts.

but like a lot of sleepy thoughts they disappeared as i was getting ready for bed and brushing teeth. it was about thorn. i regret that was the first time it saw me truly truly animal. it's, i am afraid of hurting it again. i am always in a hurry and what for. life is long enough. life is good enough. i wish i could pick those thoughts back up. i get to be alive. i love it. and love isnt enough. i am not human, no, i am not animal enough. i am tired and saying whatever. i want to play with it. i thought i needed to be the maid but sometimes i should just be the fox with thorn, i shouldnt be constantly worrying about the future. i shouldnt be wondering if this is the best course. i should be able to hold someone i love and wakeup and exist. and not check my phone until ive been awake four or five hours. i am not wild in the way i want to be. 

i was so afraid that something i love would be taken away, that someone i love would be taken away. i have had a lot of things i love going away lately. Min-Bin is dying slowly. my grandmother is dying slowly. and i never got to really talk to her. i am angry and sad about these things. and i dont want to say goodbye to someone that understands me, that can look into my eyes and see what i feel. 

i try to be the one that provides but thorn never asked me to be. it just wants someone to play with. though i cant declare anything as what it truly is thinking. because, while i know it i dont understand it in the way i want.

i pondered the question of love deeply and what it is once, and i came up with the definition of "love is the desire to know the Other completely and utterly but knowing this is impossible and trying despite that".

i wish we could be animals in the glen that play and wrap around each other.

i am an animal too and i am no Orpheus for it is not my duty to bring my love from the depths into the world of the living. if it lets me then i get to exist with the single most interesting and fascinating and clever and creative animal that i have ever met.

unsent message.

breaking a personal rule of mine and sending a message to you& after 9:30 but, are you& sure you& ready?. because i heard you& said you& needed personal space and. 

i dont want you& to force yourself to do something that you& dont want for my sake. 

im also fearing that i havent done enough personal archeology to show up and have this conversation be what you& deserve.

getting a taxicab back to boulder.

the driver isnt interesting, she has a credit repair business and is listening to a podcast about tax and banking law in an earpiece, i can tell she isnt too into talking. might judge me for being a tranny. the furthest fare she took was to Cayenne Wyoming, a young woman.

today i wokup at six i think, early enough to see Shiv leaving. groggy and waiting for Whitney to wake, afraid to make my own coffee. i got five hours of sleep maybe. took some melatonin. existed with Lucy and thought id leave to go hangout with Robyn but she is occupied, or was. A left and asked if i wanted to go back with her. nice girl. still a mass. at somepoint thorn messaged me. before there was activity i watched slop, but took meds. i hope to. think more about this all tomorrow. im a stumbling bumbling girl. my neck hurt from sleeping on the couch. cleaned up only a little today, not enough to be named a maid. i am sleepy and listening to Grapefruit. i played Interplanetary, a game about fighting planets. i wish i did more with Lucy. she is a very nice girl slash princess. Shiv got back and then at somepoint i removed a wasp for her. went to the bar with Shiv, Lucy, and Whitney, others joined us. i got a Guinness. i think i creeped out a bartender. glanced at her breasts. i wish i looked and sounded like a woman. photographed on film and double exposure and i hope it turns out alright. i love being alive and i want to hold thorn. i miss it. i want to exist in silence with it. got a cab later. the driver is boring, well, no one is boring. just not talkative. tomorrow i will hangout with Q. i remember these roads i am passing by. i am glad i have my flawed family. i am always too anxious. i want to know thorn in a deep way i have never known anyone else. 

i want to read the annotated mina loy that thorn annotated. i was weak minded to find it distracting. i want to see its thinking. it's something i took for granted. i think i need to send another message. i hope i am not being too much of a drain on my friends. here we are, we are at the point again. i am a girl that needs to clean. i am a girl that needs to understand. the driver is playing the artist Jelly Roll and it sounds ai generated. i am a thing that stumbles and wanders. i would be happy with thorn even if we were both homeless. i worry too much. i saw a tweet that said "The classic Freud thing that perennial, seemingly sourceless anxiety is unconscious guilt over repressed anger is p valid I think" and i think that might be true. i need to not have repressed anger. theres a lot im angry at. the world is unfair and scary.

i am sad i became something scary to thorn. i might go to synagogue tomorrow. maybe. it's been awhile. the world is a wonderful olace and i am approaching home. well, it's not quite home. i havent found home but i had hoped i could find it with thorn.

im drunk,

but not drunk enough. it feels like me gushing about thorn is performative. but, i do miss it and love it. im with Shiv and Whitney and Lucy and other people at a bar. i had two drinks and one earlier. i want things to go back to the way it was before so i could message it "i wanna lay my head in your lap, i love you so much". because i do love it so much. and i say it until i wear it away.

when i was a kid my dad told me to tell people you love that you love them everyday and i have held onto that.

girl i encountered on grindr.

i miss the thorn :(. 

im at a bar and had something to drink.

an aside.

"A Hercules of a man: a Clark Gable of a man." - Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day.

the thing with awaiting a conversation is that you start trying to map it out, try to predict what the other person will say. this all collapses of course when you are face to face with someone you harmed, you can try to be a maid or explain but this will only get you so, i dont know the word, not far?, there?, it escapes me. maybe the word doesnt exist. at somepoint it starts being like a classic Hollywood flick, you start thinking about this Casablanca encounter. none of us are a Clark Gable of a anything. we are all that scared little rat like ancestor of humanity: Purgatorius. im anxious about my conversation with þorn. a week is maybe the longest time a four year old can conceive of, so what is two weeks?, that is multiple lifetimes. it has to be. two weeks is a long time, it really is. i tried to time travel by using youtube slop but that was just numbing as lead. poison. i dont know if i am ready. these creatures that we all are have difficulty finding mouths.

thorn messaged me.

im anxious. maybe i shouldnt have reacted with an emoji because it can get stressed out by that. but idk i wanted to show my appreciation. im anxious. i really hope we can work through stuff.