i wasn't a good fox maid.

i promised to be its maid but im messy messy and lazy and im no no no good at anything. i couldnt say say say what. hahaha i dont know. i wish i was schizophrenic to understand it. what are emotions. i dont have those. im a machine, i killed all the animals and made myself an unfeeling machine. im so scared. i am so so scared. i see it crying on the floor and i should be killed for that. is this so i understand the pain, i have felt enough pain. i am a scared animal. i am. i am something. i hate you hate you hate you. i love you and love you. i need to sleep. i am no great poet. im not Orpheus im white trash that hits his wife. i am a lazy thing. i am crying in the chapel. i am something scary. i need to be beaten. i need to know i cant posses anything. i am my father's daughter son. i am alone and i need to be held. let me prove that i am something good. i am no longer human. how do i get out of this. i need to learn how to drive. everyone is lying to me and i am in agony and why shouldnt i show my pretty guts on the paper???, i need to be eaten. i need to be corrected. i need something. i need to become schizophrenic. it always hated the language of "need" but i need to be schizophrenic. i need to understand it. i need to help thorn pack things up. thorn dont read this all or maybe do and see how worthless i am. i cant even handle a week without talking to it, what the fuck is my problem. what is it. i am scared of everything. i am anger and hate and love love love. make this into a ring and put it into a machine that pumps honey. i am agony and i am Orpheus. i am unpredictable. i need to be unpredictable. i am something awful. i am something evil. i am something beautiful. i dont know if i can be poly, why am i jealous. i have sex with other people and i care about thorn more than them. i need a fucking hug.

i need to be Nanao.

void void void. i am void and full of hate.

wanting to die.

Oh dryad of the winds

I remember resting with you and you babbling

on visions. i miss those.

there is an old poem i wrote about it.

Þorn has hit me before and i shrugged it off and i dont know. it has hurt me.

i love it despite this all.

i dont understand anything. i think it once kinda raped me, i shouldve said "i dont wanna have sex right now" but i didnt and so it fucked me in the shower. 

i am depressed and i really dont see a future without it.

i. i am annoyed. 

i. i. i. i am in hell. i am in hell. i am waiting to die. i am scared. i have no friends. no true friends. 

i need to die. i cant live like this anymore. i cant be this fucking failure. i cant stand this retarded world. i am dying so slowly. 

i want vegetables. i want a dinner with thorn. i want this relationship to continue even if it hurts us both because i am selfish. 

i want to shoot myself and i have no gun luckily. 

i dont wanna be here anymore. i love it and all i can think about is hate. i burn. i burn. i cant be poly because i am a fox and im tired of sex. 

it said it wanted to be killed and shy'd away. im so scared of the voice that was inside me. 

i am. i am. i dont like being a person. i WANT TO DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE IS SUFFERING!!!. 

some poems i will never show þorn even if all things turn out alright.

the night of the incident.

about my depression week.

dumb attempt.

i forget when i wrote this one.

The Sixth.

dear good i wanna d13, this year seems like a bust. i really dont know what id do if this relationship ended. i feel slow. i am so sorry i hurt it. i want to understand it. wokeup at Shiv's, Whitney gave me coffee. i had slept badly. how long is this going to take for it to decide if it wants to kill this thing we have. well it's me who killed it. i cant make any progress with thinking until i talk to it. but i have to stay away. if it doesnt talk to me by the end of the month i will probably end it all. no no i cant do that. im a middling artist but i need to put something out before i die. L left in the morning but she pet me a bit before that. im back home. do i do music or dwarf fortress?. i dont know. i just dont know. i need to be held. i am a weak small thing. i will regret saying all of this. i want to go to a rave with it. 

Something Sweet.

there's the flashing light of the ER chariot

as the man barely breathing

outside the place i get my three dollar

soft serve is surveyed by the men

paid to save the sweet.

outside the corner store there is

homeless Prometheus drinking from

a tub of ice cream strawberry

and i smoke my American Spirits

and stumble on the drink.

i think about her throwing up the sweet

On someone who isn't me

but i wish was me now

that I don't have something sweet.

dear god i miss her. i am a sinner.

i miss it rather, i hold girls and it's not

like holding her/it. i need to understand it.

i was a fox earlier but i need to be

an animal more often. this isn't 

a poem but the slanted is a verse.

i need to be an animal when sober.

why am i trying to be respectable.

talked with W about her moving away to the far north

and she can be the girl that finds a tetra in Sweden

because a tetra loves to talk and loves even if she 

isnt so very good at it.

i talked about many things. 

today i went to Denver and played a ttrpg

and i was a talking croc, and i sang the song

of Taliesin. i love my friends. 

went out with L to get a cable. 

got to cuddle women. it's a blur because i been

drinking and smoking. and i been missing

and i am not sure how much more missing

i can take. talked to S. and i was so tempted

to message thorn because i understood it while drunk

and i see the arrows in the sky

and i wish i could be schizophrenic if only

this let me understand it and id love it

even if we were both homeless. 

i got ice cube, soft serve and talked to a man

"i hope we can bring this wicked world down man"

"with nuclear bombs or something"

"nah people's revolution"

and he seemed like he would accept this.

he had pink hair and a good feel.

i am envious of so many

and why should an animal feel envy. 

suspicious minds by elvis.

and something by you. and something by me.

and something that we can rock in

like an old ship or a mythos.

watching irish zionism, and watching

snapcube shadow fandub.

and this is a distraction.

i finished my pack of american spirits.

and well. here we are. here we are. talked with Ve last night on call.

it was good to talk to her. still love her in a way.

today i bit myself hard as i could. 

saw buggies on the stone of a church on the walk by.

i am tired. i wish i could remember everything i say

but i had a damb good convo with W,

she smoked two cigs. and i smoke four or five.

and i forget a lot of it.

and there's R and she has her own heartbreak,

she i hope gets her girl back. or her girl rather

sees the odd love.

i need to be an animal. i will put my phone away and be

an animal.

i love the animal that will be i.

maybe i am plural but id need physical masks for that.

comedia del arte.

sonnets of some formalist.

got on a twitter fight.

July 4th.

i numb myself and yep.

L went on ahead without me and i am mad about that.

yesterday was good though. today is hell. went down to Denver with Q, we then went and picked up A. me and Q went to gas station because A wasn't ready. got six hundred grand. felt better, i played Q some of my weird music. drove down and talking with Q and A was fun. S told me Thorn was sick and so might not be at picnic. it wasn't there, this might be good. later i'd write a poem of poems on watercolor paper for it. 

i am at Shiv's place now. on the fifth. and i am something. L has her feet on me.

i got angry at thorn for sleeping with        but i cannot complain truly. i can complain because id like to have had a talk or something, screwing old friends i dont know about all that and i am royally screwed because i screwed it royally by not saying "i need to be alone with you because this week has been a week of week and i am not yet used to this idea, id prefer to just do art together with her and you".

and now i am writing for thorn when i should be writing for myself. 

the past week i watched the worst of the worst. yesterday we went to Denver and sucked tits in a park and got chicken nuggets for Rose. got cream bars but A bought them. we forced M to socialize. it was so good to see her. we have adhd meds to pickup. kissed women. need to hangout with ragdoll. rambled on down to whole foods with L and A. i kissed a girl's tummy at picnic but forgot her name. i feel like part of me being a slut is some veiled attempt at getting back at thorn even though i know it doesnt care. 

i am going to play a ttrpg now. will keep a log for more.

July 4th.

July doesn't feel like the seventh month. it feels like the sixth. i am writing here again i guess. i was told that thorn doesn't hate me but it needs time. i think that's true for both of us but i dont have anyone else to tell "heres what happened today" other than it. i wanted to see it at the picnic. if it wants to continue dating me it will probably see this eventually at some future point. i am not gonna tell people about the blog anymore. it's just incidental. but i thought about telling Aurora what happened each day but it's not that kind of closeness. i miss it a lot. not sure what ill do without it. i guess, do this. i spent the past week in a self inflicted numbness, i hungout with E again which was good. we on Thursday watched live action one piece. on Friday i hungout with C and we got food at a diner. ive been watching awful family guy reaction and skyrim slop. family guy is truly a once in a generation show because it's just truly made for youtube shorts. watching it feels like eating lead. i miss playing skyrim. 

today i wokeup at eight thirty and wow. 

down to denver, drink, Q drove me along with A, haven't seen A in a year or more. drunk at picnic. an orgy of tits, i understand things now. went and got food with A and L. saw M and that was very good, glad i dragged her down to Denver. got to poke boobs. i was too possessive. oh well. about thorn. went back to Shiv's place with A and L and C, C went home to work. the sun is a lovely friend. watched Octopus. Q drove L and A back to A's place. Q revealed important things.