kinda too depressed to talk.

returned to rping with pre hrt trans women. this has been what my entire twenties have been. and well. youd figure id learn by now but oh well. 

was gonna go to tea house but didnt so i missed W's party for no reason. drunk. talked to Robyn. vc'd with Ve. pfff. well. this was July. hell month. im gonna reply to JBH and clean tomorrow to lock this month away.

it's over, and. im not feeling anything.

Margo Bough please don't read this one.

it feels like it's over. i dont know in what way. or what "it" is really. but. it feels like it's over. i guess my relationship with thorn. i am too tired. i dont feel anything. it has been more than a month since our relationship was like what it was in those days. and it's been a month since i lashed out. i had an awful two weeks. then another awful two weeks. but tired ones. i dont remember this month. i hate this month. i guess i was effectively Margo's partner for a year. and then. i fucked it up because i couldnt communicate. and. because of thorns own stuff. and. i dont know. i dont know. i am scared. and tired. i thought that this relationship could be fixed or something but im not so sure. im not sure. i dont know if i want to fix it. i want it to reply to a message i sent but also not really. i dont know how to say "you hurt me accidentally and i didnt say anything because i repressed everything and then i lashed out, fucked up, traumatized you, then. we had weird sex later and i got clingy and youre going through a lot and i dont want to press upon your mind and i dont recognize you anymore. and i want what we had back but also what we had wasnt good and wasnt as good as it could be. and what the fuck. what the fuck. i am scared scared scared and havent had enough sleep".

constantly tired.

im constantly tired these days. havent been sleeping best. drinking more than i should. Robyn said i shouldnt stir the pot but being tired makes me stir the pot and think about Margo. and it's tiring. and i just want to exist on my own for awhile, see what it's like again. the loneliness seeps in again. thinking about people ive talked to that are mopey about partner stuff and it sucks. sometimes theyre over possessive. want to rush things. i dont want to be like that.

planning dnd stuff and it's exciting. i think gonna use the locate city nuke at somepoint. the worldbuilding for the plane of ooze is coming together. need to read the dungeon masters guide. focus is fucked. im sorry. talking about dnd fun but i am just so depressed. i dont want to be clingy. but i want to talk to it. why must i make everyone uncomfortable with my existence?. i have let everyone down. i have no well of energy. posted in a shared server after it sent poetry there. we cant both be tsunderes. maybe i should nap. i dont know why interacted in that server. but i feel stupid. i hate emotions. ugh.

sex is something i do to get people to like me.

sex is something i do to get people to like me.

went to friendhouse, hungout with val. talked about dnd. exciting. sad that t-dawg will leave soon.

i have four hours of sleep, and beer and weed in me. and i am mad. im mad about margo. im mad about the end of the world. im mad that i have one hundred and forty dollars to my name. i am mad about a lot.

things i want to say.

"sometimes it felt like i was expected to be a man".

"i am sad about everything ever".

im on a whimcord adjacent server vc.

on the way to friendhouse in val's car.

thorn/margo, i doubt you read these anymore. but if you do please skip this one.

fell asleep late, was in many vcs. oooh well. got four hours of sleep, what delirium!!!. anyway. showered and then went to W's dissertation defense, then went to another part of CU. had food and wine and good conversation, i will record a voice message later. i feel like i was used and then discarded by thorn and it sucks. ugh. i am sad. and mad. had a good conversation with val about tjorn stuff. and then went and visited chloe and talked about robots. oh also went with W, S, and A and got a flight of beer and it was yum. talked to waiter and i missed working. i feel like trust was broken by thorn. and i dont know what to do about that. i dont know how to say "what you did hurt me despite the fact i didnt communicate that was something id like communication about, i feel like shit, it felt like a betrayal. i dont want possession over you but i want to be your girlfriend". that's what i figured out by talking with val. i am scared. i am not sure if i love it anymore. thinking about it calling me "a little shit" makes me sad. i hate thinking about this. i hate it. i am so so so tired. all the time. i hate this existence and it's unsustainable.

saw some teens harassing (?) an old homeless man outside a seven eleven val stopped at to get gas. it made me sad. i shouldve said something.

i thought that if i didnt explicitly say "let us be partners" or worked out comforts and limits then it would be fine. i was wrong. i want to cry. val is talking about electrical instruments and goth music.

it's nearly two. (when i started writing this).

didnt get to bed by ten tonight or last night. hate myself. joined vc with Maeve, talked about the paat. today i painted, wokeup at eightish. watched planes videos. read a bit of dm guide. didnt clean, well maybe cleaned. painted erotic art. vc'd with S, C, and R. it was fun. was drunk. talked about ttrpgs and stuff. was fun. engaged in kinks i wish i didnt have. oh well. ate cheesecake. need to walk and exercise more. talked to G. being a girl is hard. drinking water rocks. wrote encounters for planescape game. 

sexuality is weird. didnt talk to thorn today.

i am, a thing. oh well. focusing on gaming.

(wrote this yesterday but it didnt send).

bed by ten.

got up at eleven after hanging out with val. fell asleep at four. got up at twelve maybe. watched slop. i jerked off a lot today and painted an old study of mine. talking to margo. dad and sister went to watch the odyssey. i am full of sadness and maybe anger?. i want to paint a woman cumming on a figurine. listening to john cale. i will clean. existing is so hard. feathered thing. borderline last night. purged all love maybe. maybe. i am tired and been tired all day. maybe tomorrow will be better (no it wont). i am nothing at all haha. like a ditto. whatever the copying pokémon is. therapy and job. i hate myself and the world and love it too. im so ordinary.